20 Minutes of Thanks

So this is actually a "Thanksgiving Assignment" for our Worship Sectional, which is just 20 minutes of straight up thanks to the Lord; everyday that we are off this week. No intercession, no asking for things, no small talk, "go thank the Lord". It doesn't sound easy, it doesn't look easy, it doesn't feel easy. Until you do it.

Day two and I have to share. Because I can't even begin to explain the conversations that happen with the Lord when you go into prayer literally focused on Him. Guilty as charged, I am usually in prayer for me, or for someone else. Self.Ish. So, instead of trying to go back into the moment, this is my journal entry that immediately followed my conference call with the Most High. Cuh.Razy...

"This time was different than last night. I was brought to tears when the Lord caught me on something I had never wholly thanked Him for: taking care of me. He has always taken care of me. I remembered one conversation I had had with my mom and her response, in tears, was this: “He is taking care of you.” He brought this thought back to mind and I couldn’t help but cry.

“Thank you for taking care of me, thank you for taking care of me.”

Again, this prayer time went by much faster than it felt. I can literally feel my spirit enter into conversation with the Lord, as well as my mind go into worship. It’s like I’m aware of what’s around me, but I’m in another place inside. The Spirit feels heavy and I can feel that I am talking to the Lord. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced; and to think, all I’m doing is thanking Him. But I never thank Him. I thank Him when I feel like I have something to be thankful for, but never when I know I have everything to be thankful for. It’s amazing what happens when we just sit and adore the Lord with thanksgiving. And I sit and listen in silence for what He wants me to be thankful for, that’s a journey in and of itself. Things you didn’t even know made a difference in your life, or were worth recalling, are the things He thinks are most precious."

There is definitely something to be learned in selfless prayer. It might be the part where we define "selfless" and let God do the talking. I always think of Elijah on the mountaintop waiting to hear from God. And the voice of the Lord comes in a whisper. How intricate, that voice of the Lord. When we go before Him ready to listen, we leave with more than we came with.

~Laramie

This is what it looks like

So this morning I was up way before I wanted to be. A good friend of mine and I go walking in the mornings at 6am across the river. It's usually so hard to get out of bed, but after I get going with walking and talking I'm fine; and I end up preferring to be up at this early hour. This morning we didn't go, but I was up and ready. And as I opened the door to walk out onto the balcony the street lights revealed a heavy fog that was just sitting.

I can see through it, but not well:) And as I sit here on my couch with the curtains open, it's still slightly dark outside, but the fog is amazing. I'm a huge fan of snow, rain and fog to begin with, but this was just an amazing treat this morning. I almost missed it and had I been able to fall back asleep I would have.
I'm sitting here on the couch, coffee in hand and I turn on Pandora Radio. Type in Kim Walker and guess what plays? What always plays, of course, her live rendition of How He Loves. I wasn't expecting this song and wasn't affected by it until I thought once again about the fog. How He loves......fog......it's seriously drenched outside right now with fog. It's everywhere and it's thick. It's tangible and it's beautiful. Sometimes it's so heavy you can't help but be blind to everything else. And what a huge message from the Lord that I almost missed. Really, all this morning as I sit and look out the window I can see and feel how His love is abounding, tangible, thick, beautiful. And if we aren't paying attention, we can see it and still miss it completely. As soon as I thought about what my apartment was covered with, God was saying "This is it, this is what it looks like. This is what you have and this is what you keep. This is who I Am and this is what I am. This is why you're here and this is what you're meant for."

And now look at this scripture: "I have swept away your offenses like a cloud,
your sins like the morning mist.
Return to me,
for I have redeemed you.”
Isaiah 44:22

Another reason why our God is so great- His love as heavy and thick as fog, completely obliterates my sin that's like the morning mist. As I read the verse, Kim Walker sings "I belong to you..." It's true. I do.

The fog isn't lifting, but I think maybe this morning, for right now, it's not supposed to:)

"For I have redeemed you..."

~Laramie

Locusts

Last Sunday I was blessed to be able to be a part of a worship team leading for a church that has gone through some huge valleys. In the message that followed our worship, the pastor pulled a scripture out of Joel. And I was listening, I promise. But it wasn't until he repeated one phrase over and over did it resonate:

Joel 2:25, "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten..."

Looking at my own heart and how calloused and distracted it is, I understand why this flew over my head the first time. But as soon as I heard, really heard what the verse was saying, I broke inside. Because no matter what I face, no matter how long it takes me to climb out of these valleys, no matter who comes out on the other side with me or not, I know-- that He will "repay for the years the locusts have eaten."

I have a lot to dig through. There are things that have been coming up that I didn't know where down there in my soul, and I know there is more. I think that I'm starting to desire to chip away at these things with God. And right now, my hope hangs on the fact that I'm being obedient, and it will be repaid. I know that I know that I know, that it's not in vain. He keeps bringing me through and remaining true in what He promises- it's me that can't be faithful all the time. This verse puts all of the emotion and hope into one phrase. And I know that once we are on the other side, where moth and rust can't destroy, all these years will be repaid- and I'll understand.

~Laramie

Oh winter, you finally came:)

It's finally chilly! Like, FREEZING. Almost freezing, not quite. But cold enough to where I feel at home. A couple of friends and I took a trip up to Chicago over our fall break. Holy smokes, I miss that place.

I definitely have a problem organizing my time. It's most likely a combination of my chaotic schedule and temporary insanity that seems to hog my brain cells every once in a while. But, in the midst of it all, the Lord is in the middle of opening all my closets. Which stinks, I hate closets.

The other day in Old Testament we were going through some Psalms and Proverbs that had special meaning to us. I love Psalm 34 and the honesty and hope that it brings to the forefront. Here's my favorite part....:)
The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

I have a lot of baggage right now, a lot to sort through. And I'm so bad at it, I really am. But these verses give me peace. I may not be able to trust the Lord with everything all the time, a fault of my own; but there is comfort in knowing that He is close....and He is saving my crushed spirit.

Close: near, or near together.

Saves: to keep safe, intact, or unhurt; safeguard; preserve

My God is near, keeping me safe and unhurt. That's my King.

~Laramie

To be honest.

So the semester has officially started, *happy dance*....and I'm on the brink of being totally and completely broken by the Lord, I can totally feel it coming. It's like I'm staring off into the distance, looking at the future and I can see the change down the road--coming soon to a control freak near you.

First things first, look at these shoes....

Source: francescascollections.com via Laramie on Pinterest

...right?

Okay, anyways...
This will be the third week of our regular semester. Holy smokes. I--really--just realized how quickly it's gone by. I'm not overwhelmed in the study section of my brain yet, but in the heart category I'd say I'm ready to give up before I start. I'm sitting on the couch putting in my answers for my reading of Heart of the Artist. Yes, it is ironic that we are reading this book- for anyone who walked with me during the past five years of my life, it's very interesting how much I'm learning about both sides of the "ministry" spectrum! My heart is constantly going back and forth, because I'm learning how to handle something and grow into things, but at the same time I already know how it feels when things are not taken care of in the Godly way. And that's okay! Because it's seriously resonating and settling. And I get it.

All that to say, I felt like this afternoon (while I'm trying to finish the Heart of the Artist) that God was asking me to be honest. I wasn't sure what that meant at first, but after reading through the chapter of that book I went on a rabbit trail in my brain, and thought I'd share something that I found in the depths of my heart.
Trophy: (in ancient Greece or Rome) the weapons and other spoils of a defeated army set up as a memorial of victory.
• a representation of such a memorial; an ornamental group of symbolic objects arranged for display.

Burden: a duty or misfortune that causes hardship, anxiety, or grief; a nuisance:

Truth: I tend to hold my burdens as trophies. This makes everything difficult in the realm of growth and progress as a child of God. My biggest struggle, as is anyone's, over everything else is letting my burdens go. I am much more comfortable living uncomfortably. And I'd venture to say that it's because being uncomfortable is all I've known for quite a long time. But here is the thing that makes me sick (yes, I make myself sick): I don't let struggles go because I hold them as trophies. I let them define me and I make them be what represents my life. Totally disgusting. I remember when my dad was suddenly no longer a worship pastor and the experience of that is still in the business of affecting me. But one Godly woman, whom I love very much, wrote me and said "this will NOT define you." But I let it. It didn't define me to everyone else, but in my own view of myself and others, I was defined by that experience. Really gross situation to come out of and I let it rule my life. And honestly, I wanted it to. It's almost like I find a security blanket in controlling my struggles. I can put them where I want and lean on them when I need to. Wrong. Very wrong. But very much in recovery. I know that when things seem to be going well it feels weird and I tend to want to sabotage myself so that I can be "comfortable" again. There's always something wrong, so let's keep it that way, right? Right Laramie, because Christ sacrificed so that you could keep crucifying yourself for selfish reasons. No.

This year is going to be so huge. I know in my heart that things will be vomited out from my core that maybe I've never even seen before, that's okay. I will cry, that's okay. And I will want to give up, that's okay too. Bring it on.

2 Thessalonians 3:5 "May the Lord direct your hearts into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance." This means we don't run back to what we just persevered through. Very true, and very hard.

This onion definitely has many more layers to peel:)

~Laramie

Grace like rain...

Well....I'm here:) Memphis, Memphis, Memphis. I'm pretty much moved in and ready to go. There seems to be a ton of grocery needs, however, that just creep in and my lovely mother and I keep running to the store. She will be here until Tuesday, what a trooper. She made the trek with me, let me cry and freak out a couple times, and is now currently in the parent meeting that she really doesn't need to go to, but she wants to know everything. Really cute.

For some reason when I was packing I had the notion in my head that whatever I don't bring will be things I can just buy for cheap when I get here. BUT. But, but, but, hello Laramie there are things you should still bring because they are yours and you don't need to buy them again!!!!!! I'm such a weirdo. As I'm shopping with my mom all of these simple items keep popping up in my head. I probably complained to her at least eight times "where was I when I was packing! Why didn't I bring that!??" It's cool. Just coffee mugs, kitchen things, home-y goods that I forgot to include in the "you are permanently moving out of your home" thought process. But other than that, I didn't forget underwear or a toothbrush....

God is so present in this school, let me just say that. I know nothing about what I will be studying, meaning I'm not a music person nor have I been in charge of a ministry or led it. But that's okay. God has called me here, everything is falling into place in HIS timing (not mine, mine would have been done already:). I'm beyond excited. My roommate is the sweetest thing, and, get this...she plays guitar. Meaning I have a slight chance of learning a tiny bit while I'm here. Back to the list of things I didn't bring: guitar. Huge Fail.

My mom bought me this tin sign that I can hang up in our cozy little dorm, it happens to have my favorite verse on it:) She knew:)

Now to shop for a rug to reduce the gorgeous echo in here:)

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you....."

He keeps providing. He's always providing.


~Laramie

Neverending

So I've been worrying a bit about how to go about all my financial aid for school, loans, blah blah blah. The deadline for scholarships was June 30th and I applied for as many as I could, but not expecting anything at all. Really this whole journey with school has been placed into God's hands every day. Because everyday I think about it; everyday I stress about it; and everyday I waltz into the nervous and anxious feelings that come with moving out and moving in. Out of comfort and into uncomfortable. Good thing it won't always be like that:)

I emailed my admissions counselor today--to kind of find out how much longer I should wait before completing any loans, and paying the first payment that's due the 15th of this month. I don't worry with money usually, because the Lord has always provided for me in one way or another.

But as the date got closer I just started to wonder if I should wait for an answer on scholarships or just go and take out the loans. My counselor said she would check with financial aid and get back to me. Not 30 minutes later she emails again.

I got a scholarship.

It doesn't even matter what amount it is. It's what I needed. He always provides what I need. So I immediately call my mom. Squeals and laughing occur. We hang up, everyone is excited.

Then she calls back. And it takes her about 7 seconds to start crying. She explains how after we hung up the first time she was thanking the Lord and said this: "He's providing for you Laramie."

He so is. And that's how I know that I'm doing what he wants me to do, because He is providing for me. Taking care of me like a father takes care of his child. It's a little bit of a "duh factor" scenario, but it made me understand. It's like the Lord uses the "kill them with kindness" approach and served me a slice of humble pie that just broke my heart. It didn't break in a bad way, but it just hit my heart like..."that's what it feels like"...to be taken care of, because you are loved. He is looking out for me, leading me, protecting me.

It's so amazing how, when we want what God wants, our heart changes. And when our heart changes, we begin to do what God intended for us to do. And then, when we do what He intended for us to do, He provides for every need that we come across :)

~Laramie

Imagine

Imagine you're running.
running so fast you can't see the objects flying past you.
One barely misses your eye.
Another whizzes past your knee.
running.
run hard child.
You close your eyes so you can't see what's in front of you.
That doesn't help,
but it activates your faith that nothing will harm you.
running still.
A stumble in your faith hits you in the head.
You run out of thoughts.
The death of a loved one clips you in the eyes.
You can't see where you're going.
A broken relationship barrels into your side.
You feel sick.
So you're struggling, running, struggling.
Unconscious, blind, and sick.
And somehow the energy inside you only grows greater.
Because you're heart's still pumping for no other reason,
other than each valve is in the hands of the Father.
He's beating, he's flowing, he's revitalizing.
You're running.
Naked and broken.
Worthless but made new.
Alone and restless.
running hard.
running still.
running the race.
run hard child.

~Laramie

Can't Catch a Break

A lot has been going on. Let me tell you. I feel like I'm THE emotional roller coaster herself.

Nathan is still here *happy dance*, but that's not the reason at all on why a lot has been going on. The Lord is doing some serious construction on my heart and sometimes it's so simple the way he communicates to us. Yesterday He sent a clear message of His unfailing and sometimes unruly love for me. Nathan's headaches had turned into "head trauma's" over the past week, and last Tuesday we had to spend the day in the ER. They prescribed him some painkillers and all was well, but you know head injuries-- so unpredictable and moody. Some days are great, other days it's like we've taken ten steps back. And yesterday was the worst pain he had ever felt since the hospital, so we rushed to the ER once more. This time instead of taking him back right away they made him wait in the waiting room, which was totally bogus to me. They are in the midst of doing construction on the hospital, so the jackhammer was kind enough to hypothetically drill a hole into the sides of Nathan's head, causing more pain.

We get back there and long story short, he receives a Spinal Tap, CT Scan, and they took some labs. All is well, he is doing fine:)

But there was one specific moment in time yesterday during all of this, that God caught my attention. No, not during the jackhammer's serenade. It was on our way to the hospital and, as always, I missed the exit because I had come from a different direction than last time. I'm apologizing to Nathan as he sits next to me in severe pain, and I just think to myself "I just can't catch a break...we just can't catch a break..." And not even a full minute later I see this:

Bam. My heart totally broke inside. He's working on my heart, he's working on my spirit. I can't catch a break, because there's roadwork the next few miles:)

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
James 1:2-4

~Laramie

It's true.

I have this random set of facts that seems to pop into my head every now and then and I'd like to share it.

ready?

Every human being needs four hugs per day merely to survive.
Eight hugs per day to maintain oneself at a strong emotional level.
Twelve hugs per day to grow and become a better person.


I love this. It's so cool.

I wonder sometimes why I am always so up and down emotionally. Yes, I'm a woman, yes, I do have a lot going on in my life. When one thing ends something else comes up, story of any life of a child of God. BUT, there are days where I will go all day, sometimes two or three--without a hug. Without any physical tough and/or closeness. And I will feel like crap. For what feels like no reason, and it's almost like "what in the world am I doing wrong?"

All growing up I was never very "touchy feely" and everyone knew that. But it's interesting how over the past couple of years, growing out of the pain of what has happened and continues to happen to my family, I've realized that I am the "touchy feely." I am a hugger, kisser, hand-holder, shoulder-grabber:) I had someone tell me about a year ago, "you know you are more 'touchy feely' than you think. You are very much a physical touch person. You'll grab my hand all the time" "Excuse me?" was probably my first response. But it's true, I love love. And now that it hasn't been demanded of me for a while, it's really become something that I crave, as does any person in one way or another.


............ now I'm just trying to break that "reputation" of not liking hugs. especially hugs. They're the greatest:)

Update: .Today is Jacob's momma's birthday:) I know he's throwing her a party up there.
.Memphis is coming quickly! I'm all secured for the eco-friendly dorm...
. Nathan is here visiting:) He surprised me a week ago Tuesday, and is here for another month. Excited much? yep.
. And Cameron graduates tomorrow. Whoa. My 18 year old brother is a man. Weird.

~Laramie

And once again...

I abandon my page for about two weeks. Things have been a bit crazy, not necessarily schedule-wise, but mentally and emotionally. Preoccupied is probably a great word to describe how I've been feeling.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about Jacob and his life that ended so suddenly. We all thought he would beat this, and he did, but not in the way that we all hoped. The Lord had victory over his body and sickness, and Jacob is running through the streets of heaven now with his new heart-- that beats absolutely perfectly. My heart just hurts for the immediate family that surrounded Jacob daily. I can only hope and pray that I will be a tenth as a great a parent as Brian and Nicole were and are. Totally solid. Totally in love with their little boy. And totally not willing to go down without a fight.

When the Lord took Jacob home, it wasn't until about 11pm, so all day that day we were on our knees praying that God would perform a miracle. But at the same time, I was weeping that entire Tuesday. All day, and I feel like even though Jacob wasn't gone yet, I knew. I knew that the Lord was coming to take his hand and that's why I was such a wreck. Everytime I thought about him, which was every minute, I heard the words "the Portion of Jacob." That phrase comes from one of my favorite passages, Jeremiah 10:16...
"He who is the Portion of Jacob is not like these,
for He is the maker of all things,
including Israel, the land of his inheritance;
The Lord Almighty is his name."

Over and over I heard "the Portion of Jacob" because I could see a vision of Jakey lying in that hospital bed. And He is the Portion of Jacob. He was little, mighty Jakey's portion. This little boy knew why he was here and I know he heard the words "well done." I remember thinking "I just saw him. JUST saw him." And I didn't to see him very much, but I made sure to go and visit since I am so close now. Forever will he have a mark on my heart, and a place that no one else can fill.

I love you Jacob.

~Laramie

Sweetly Broken

Wholly surrendered. Wholly and fully surrendered. This is what the Lord is teaching my family right now.

After 6 1/2 years of praying and encouraging my little cousin Jacob, the Lord took him home this past Wednesday. That's about all I can write without tearing up and possibly losing it. I just don't know what to say. Praise God that he isn't in pain, he has a heart that beats how it's supposed to, and he's running around with all of our beloved family members that we've lost in the past few years and decades. I'm almost jealous, he's sitting with our King:) I think that's all I can put into words at the moment.

Pray for our family, pray for Bryan, Nicole, Juliana. Pray for their immediate family, and as we sit together on Monday, pray that God would receive more glory than we could strive to give Him.

~Laramie

Airports

So I'm sitting in the airport in Sacramento waiting to board my flight to Dallas/Fort Worth. Really, I'm on my way to Memphis:) To audition:) For their music school:) I'm praying that God would just give the confidence and comfort to let go and use what he has given me. Who knows, all I'm going to do is try.

But anyways, I'm sitting in the row that faces the rest of the seating area, but my back is to the gate. And it's so hilarious the wide variety of people that packs itself into one tiny space...
A middle aged couple with their two young children. Mom looks like she can't wait to just get where they're going; the kids are trying their darndest to stay occupied before mom or dad become completely irritated; and dad could care less about what's happening right now...he's on his phone.
One Hispanic gentlemen sitting at a diagonal from my seat, people watching just like I am. He wears a cowboy hat-- then takes it off-- and in a minute or two he will fix his hair and put the hat back on:)
Another couple probably in their late fifties. I like the lady, she is fabulously clad in the way that I hope I'm dressed when I'm her age. Her husband looks sweet, genuinely interested in engaging with his wife, nice to see:)

There's about thirty more people in our little square. Some staring at me, others don't even know that there are people sitting on their right or left, and still others looking out the window either dreading or looking forward to their trip. I'm excited, at least, for mine:) I've never been to Memphis, never been a lot of places. But for this trip I feel like it may be a blessing in disguise, which is how God surprises me most of the time. All I want is to learn, to be teachable, and to grow in the areas that God wants, in the ways that God wants.
And I'll start with sitting in the airport at 6:30 in the morning:)

~Laramie

I can't wait.

For a ton of things. So I decided to make a list of things I'm excited for, for JUST this year. I think a lifelong list would make this post go way longer than it needs to:) Maybe not all of these will happen, but I'll stay excited until they do...

Consistently warm days- I hate wearing shoes:)
A surprise visit from a special someone, I know it's coming...don't know when...
Going to school for music and knowing that it was God's intention.
San Fransisco.
Officially learning to play guitar.
Becoming certified in Stott Pilates.
Camping.
Venti Shakened Iced Tea, Zen, Sweetened:)
Venti Iced Skinny Vanilla Latte, Soy...
Driving to Arcata to visit my sweet cousin Reianna, maybe climbing a Redwood while I'm at it.
Going on a hike with my very greatest friend Kendal, pretending we are actually backpacking in New Zealand...
Bonfires.
Cameron's graduation, we'll make it a good one:)
Uncle Brian's cabin on the Russian River by the Pacific.
Art Walks downtown in the summer heat.
Lake Tahoe.
Thoroughly enjoying the 8-hour drive from the school I'd love to go to, to Naperville. And enjoying it even more when I arrive...
Pedicures.
Victoria and I WILL attempt another beach day, with or without wind.
Camping.
Christmas and Thanksgiving at Grandma and Grandpa Peets...it's an experience, you should come.
Picnics.
Devotionals while the sun is rising...or setting.
Worship team rehearsals.
Mumford and Sons in concert, it WILL happen....
Lalapalooza.
Learning more and more about the Lord's Will each day I'm alive.

Those are just a few, I could think of more....

Here's a picture of Nathan and me, before we were what we are:)

~Laramie

Oh my goodness, Oh my goodness

Well, it appears as though a post once a week has been my illness for the past month. I wish I did this more consistently. It's been such a dry period for me, with everything. My devotionals, prayer, writing, I'm just not doing a good job at being seriously in tune and consistent with these things. I'm human, I get that, but sometimes it's nice to feel like for the first time, these things come naturally. Maybe someday I'll get it.

Fun fact: I have done some research on Hillsong Church since the Lord has been working some kinks out of my heart. And it's strange how He saves us from things we don't know we are walking into. Hillsong is Pentecostal. Which, as far as their worship goes, I like the charismatic, contemporary styles of worship. But the Pentecostal doctrine also has views on prophecy and healing that I don't necessarily agree with, they can be dangerous...and I was just reading this today, about their beliefs and doctrines. They use Prosperity Teaching. It's sometimes called Word-faith theology, which essentially teaches that God wants us to be wealthy and live in prosperity. We should be able to unleash this from within, finding our joy and prosperity in material things. Whoa.

So needless to say, those are just a couple of things I've found from more than just one opinionated source, but I am so thankful to God that he brought me home where I could be "alone" to hear his whispers. I don't want to blindly walk into something that will change His truth in my heart. It's so easy to do, even more when the discrepancy is hidden in the faith that I believe in. It's funny, I've even had my new Worship Pastor make a comment about Hillsong, that their Theology isn't that strong. While they are doing great things for the Lord, theologically...not so much. No one is perfect, but everyone can read the Word and know the truth.

Any thoughts? I guess I'm writing all of this to say that, while I don't know what God's plan is, I can't walk onto that path thinking that I'm wise enough, or discerning enough to guard my heart when the teaching is false. Because that's exactly when the enemy gets us. When WE think we can. And I will put no confidence in my flesh...

Anywho, this picture I took last night while it was raining. Almost in broad daylight aside from a few thunderclouds, it just started pouring. And there sat God's promise to us, right on the side of the road. And I think the way he is guiding me away from false doctrine is a great example of his Promises:)

I love my God:)
"I establish my covenant with you: Never again will all life be destroyed by the waters of a flood; never again will there be a flood to destroy the earth.” And God said, “This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come: I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth.”
~Genesis 9:11-16

"Like the appearance of a rainbow in the clouds on a rainy day, so was the radiance around him.

This was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the LORD. When I saw it, I fell facedown, and I heard the voice of one speaking."
~ Ezekiel 1:28

~Laramie

stories, I like them:)

I was going to put up some pictures, but our computer died. So, we replaced it with an older one temporarily....which won't recognize my camera, or anything else for that matter.

Anywho, I feel like yesterday I got back from my visit to Illinois....and now tomorrow is APRIL....what? Time has gone by so, so fast! Nathan and I were talking the other day and I was telling him how before I came to visit over New Years, it seemed like time was crawling by. Taking for-e-ver. And now that I have been back, it's speeding past. I think we have reached the number now where it's been a longer gap of not seeing him, or anyone from Illinois, than the first time. But it feels shorter. It's like we need that first visit, homecoming, reunion, and now time is absolutely flying.

I was thinking about people earlier this week. Not really anyone in particular, but just people in general. And actually now that I think about it, what sparked this monologue in my head was my day-trip to Palo Alto, CA to visit my little cousin Jake. I will tell you about him in a sec. I literally spent almost a full day just hanging in the hospital room with him and his parents. His parents are technically my second cousins, making him my third, but whatever. He has been diagnosed with heart failure so really they just sit in the room, take care of what Jake needs, and try to keep themselves entertained. And I LOVED it--and on my way home I was trying to figure out why in heaven I could literally just sit with someone and, whether we are doing something or not, totally enjoy it. It's because above everything else, more than music, more than dance, more than art, more than food, more than reading, singing, laughing, more than movies, school, life, whatever--with the exception of my relationship with the Lord, I love to spend time with people more than anything else on earth. If that was all I did for the rest of my life was spend quality time with anyone and everyone in my life I would be set....makes my heart cry:)

Okay, Jacob--probably one of the greatest examples of the strength of Christ present in my life right now. When Jake was born his left ventricle wasn't formed, so far he has had six heart surgeries to assist his hard working right ventricle; tomorrow the team meets to decide if he is a candidate for a heart transplant. They could decline him, which to me makes no sense whatsoever. The child is six years old, could we give him the chance to graduate high school maybe? Maybe? Maybe make an impact with the huge testimony he will have by the time he gets there? He is such a solid little kid. He endures the pain and has a will to live like I've never seen before. Such a warrior and be in prayer that the Lord will bless him with a heart. A heart that will beat for the Lord with every fiber. And our whole family gladly admits, we can't live without him:)

He's a trooper:) And got to take a walk today...

~Laramie

Provisions:)

I like the word "whoa", so I'm going to use it:

...whoa...

I am blessed. For real, truly blessed. God has taken care of me, tested me, instructed me, given me many counselors that I love and adore; He has just surrounded me with beautiful things amidst the difficulties. First one being this:

It's champaign color:)
It came at just the right time.

A tad too much laughing going on around here:)

This little shapeless dress,
completely floral,
and probably formerly owned by a mother who kindly ripped out the shoulder pads before handing it down.
Courtesy of GoodWill...

And this has nothing to do with anything,
but it's one of the most adorable houses ever.
I might want it.
It's in the middle of Stockton, which is where I grew up--across the street from the Baptist church...
...in which I grew up:)
Isn't it so cute? Praise Jesus.

Illinois, Compass church, I miss you.

~Laramie

Excuse me, but that's my car.

I totally forgot to mention this the last time I posted. It's a minor event, really it is--but I think that it was something that the Lord wanted to let happen, because it taught me so, so much.

So two weeks ago this coming Sunday, my car was repossessed. Hello, I didn't realize how attached I was to my car. And I kind of felt like a materialistic little girl when I was bawling as I watched through the window. Let me just say, that as much as I am responsible for my car, I'm also very much so not responsible for my car. To put it in a nutshell it really belonged to my dad, was in his name, all that jazz. But I did pay for it for most of the time I drove it, paid the insurance, so really besides the name on the title, it was mine. After a series of discombobulated events, I had been promised it was taken care of, but then it wasn't, then it was, and to be honest I really don't know where my car really landed as far as payments and paperwork. The responsibility had been lifted off my shoulders from my dad, so I trusted that I would be okay. Dad filed for bankruptcy last year and again, not really sure, my car was supposedly on the list, then not, then it was, who knows. A lot of gray areas here:)

I'm a girl, and I'm very much in my head with my thoughts probably more often than not. And more than I spend time in actual conversations with other people. Sometimes that's good, a lot of times it's bad. But a couple of things going through my head that Sunday night--at 10:30pm--were initial reactions I think anyone would have, but not things to dwell on. "that's my car....I've been driving that since I left home....I drove across the U.S. in that car...that's my car..." Over and over and over. And other thoughts having to do with hurt and abandonment that I'm sure everyone could create on their own were running through my head. I sobbed for a bit, while mom just laid in the bed next to me apologizing. It's got nothing to do with her, but she's a mom:) But the cool thing about all of this, is that it's done. My brother lovingly wrote to me on facebook, referring to a date we were joking about having- "I guess I'll be picking YOU up." Yes Cameron, yes you will. But then he made a pretty deep statement that I hadn't realized yet: "It's the last string attached, gone, that has to feel pretty good." Ha, it's sad, but true. The last string that attaches me to any sort of control that my dad could have over me, or that leaves me being dragged behind him when he can't follow through. Everyone disappoints, I disappoint, it's nothing foreign.

I bought my own car last Thursday, after a few days of stress which caused some cozy mouth ulcers to camp out on my tongue for about a week. Yes, I get those when I'm stressed. But there is something about this car that makes me excited every time I get in. Credit to Julie, she did remind me "it's a new thing!" With God, with me, with life, it's a new thing. My thing, I'm free:) And God totally had me the whole time. There wasn't a single moment in time where he stood where everyone else did, saying "wow I'm sorry, I didn't think they were going to take it tonight..." The even more incredible thing: because of the valleys He has brought me through already, this really was small potatoes in my heart. It was hard, it's a car, and now I'm doing a new thing:)


"Stop trusting in man,
who has but breath in his nostrils.
Of what account is he?"
~Isaiah 2:22

"Surely the arm of the Lord is not too short to save,
nor his ear too dull to hear."
~ Isaiah 59:1

~ Laramie

Open clenched fists.

Okay so here's the thing. The Abraham Test. Abraham is walking up the mountain with Isaac, preparing his heart for the worst experience ever: physically sacrificing his son. The very last moment consists of an angel appearing out of nowhere--like they usually do--and shouting at Abraham to stop. God was testing him, to see what was in his heart, to know that Abraham loved God more than his only son. The Abraham Test. God asks you to do something that risks or causes you to sacrifice everything, so you agree in your heart do it. Then, when you get to knife point, or, the point at which you have made the bulk of the journey and you are ready for the final step, God tells you to stop.

The Abraham Test.

My life for the past few years has been full of these. God gets me to the point where my heart is in total trust that he will take care of me and I'm comfortable with the change, and then it doesn't happen that way. It's just mind blowing how well God knows us. I know that's such a simple statement-- duh, he created us, every single fiber and emotion-- but sometimes I think we all forget that he really does know us better than anyone. So he knows that I'm a terrible big-decision maker, get extremely homesick in any situation, want to live completely sold out for Him, and I like being in my comfort zone. And those don't go together...

Here's the latest test, which was actually the reason for the creation of Mocholatte. I had been accepted into Hillsong Australia this past August, so naturally to be able to pay for it I'd need to move home. What an opportunity and I'm being totally serious. I have been listening and watching the Hillsong leaders since I was little. I know their music, know their Worship team when I see them, love what they are about. So this open door was something that I was going to be serious about, which I have been. I felt called to move home and chase after this opportunity, I really did. God has given me a chance--why would I let it pass by? So I told the Lord like I had many times, I will do whatever He wants me to do, whether that ends up being Australia or not. If it is, I will give up comfort, I will give up seeing Nathan for a year, I will give up my family here and in Illinois, whatever it takes if this is where he wants me to go. So I moved home, that was hard. I though it was hard having my family leave when I was 18, but leaving my church, family, and friends was harder this time.

Well, there came a time during Nathan's hospitalization that God had me in a corner and I realized what he wanted. Surrender. How many times has that been drilled into my head and I continue to think that my problems lay elsewhere? I think I mentioned this in my last post, that there came a point where I literally said to Him "okay Lord I get it, I get what you are trying to say. Whatever else I'm holding onto just take it." And there it went. Open clenched fists once again. Let it go.

So here I sit, on the floor of my little sister's room writing a story about a change I didn't think would happen. My life is not my own and neither is the path that I take to make a life. What I end up doing in the future is just as much His as what I'm doing this very second.

I've realized that at this moment, Hillsong was used by God to get me to where he wanted me to be: a place where I could be alone, where I could hear Him, and where I would once again have only Him to lean on. That's how it should be always. There are a couple of schools in the states that I'm praying about, I do have a feeling about one in particular, but I'm not packing my bags just yet:)

"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God planned in advance for us to do."
Ephesians 2:10

~Laramie

Tiny drought, but we let it go.

Hmmm...okay. I have completely abandoned that horrible picture thing, which I had read somewhere was very much promoted by the Kardashian sisters. As much as they are beautiful and I would love to own a hat or two of theirs, not people I want to model my life after--even down to a measly picture race. The real reason is that I am really bad at being consistent with things that leave you no room for creativity. And I'm stubborn, so unless it means something to me I can't keep it up.

Well, I think I've had the words sucked out of me somehow and I disappeared for about a week. But I enjoyed it. I do journal, but journaling...you can say whatever you want, like it's a letter to your Lord when here on mocholatte there is a filter.

I read this passage today out of Psalms. I love Psalms--it seems like everytime one opens to the book, there is a new set of poetic lyrics that David wrote that we've never read before. By we I mean me, I have not read ALL of Psalms, but I'm sure that will happen very soon. It's just so encouraging to be able to have a window straight into the praises and laments of David's soul. He takes the words right out of your mouth. And this passage that I read just totally described a new sort of closure that I've come upon, which needs a bit more prayer and direction before I share. The passage...

I am under vows to you, O God;
I will present my thank offerings to you.
For you have delivered me from death
and my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before God
in the light of life.

~ Psalm 56:12-13

All I have to say about that, is that it is such an earth shattering blessing to feel, when you finally surrender to the Lord all that you hold dear, all you aspire to be, all that you love. And that this Creator, this King, this Sovereign Lord holds us dear to his heart, he has "delivered us from death and our feet from stumbling." What an honor it is to be able to walk before God in the light of life. What a true honor. He keeps us from stumbling, then lets us walk before him in his light. Please may that be the air in my lungs no matter what I face. Let that be the circulation in my veins, the fibers of my being, let THE Light of Life be all that I am and aspire to be.
I think that the real meaning of this, which has finally begun to settle into my heart started with Nathan's accident. Because it was almost instant, my reaction...."okay God, I get it, whatever else I'm holding onto please just take it. I get what you are trying to say to me. Take it all." Oh Jesus, when he takes away the things that are most important to you, or the person most important to you, you realize where you need to just let go. Open clenched fists. And let go.

~Laramie

Two days today

I'm a slacker....well it's that, and the fact that I'm really bad at being consistent, I think I state that everytime I write.

Anywho, Day 12, a picture of something I love:) yay!

My life could be falling apart-- take me to the water and the worries go away. I absolutely love these things.

Day 13 (today)....a picture of my favorite band or artist. That's so hard, I'm such a loser when it come to having just A favorite. I can't just have one. But, I'm going to say Laura Marling at the moment...she's my age by the way:)

I hate them.

...this is day 11...a picture of something I hate.

That was the nicest picture of a clown I could find...

Let me just tell you, that there is a deeply rooted fear accompanied by a deeply rooted hatred for these things. I don't like them, can't look at them, hate seeing them around, and get chills down my spine everytime I hear the word. Here's the history lesson, I think I may have been in the 5th or 6th grade and we were at snow camp with the church's Club 56 as we used to call ourselves. We were having so much fun, I loved snow camp, in fact, I miss it terribly. Those were the days....
Okay, so one night--for some odd reason-- a friend of mine in my cabin thought it would be hilariously exciting to tell scary stories. Oh my heavens, four reasons why scary stories don't belong in the same sentence as Laramie Wells:
1. I'm a girl, with girl feelings, with a touch of sensitivity.
2. I can't even look at my own blood.
3. I was homeschooled, so I couldn't even make one up if I tried.
4. I love Jesus, Jesus doesn't like scary stories either unless they end with someone become his Child.

So, this friend proceeded to tell the cabin seriously, the most terrifying horror story I've ever heard. And she used US as characters!!!!!!! No!!! I won't go into detail, but that story followed by torment from her (because it in fact scared me), followed by the entire youth group playing around with me, followed by people literally seeking out the movie "It" and shoving it in my face--eh, I was young. So all these things led up to a fear and obession with the fear of clowns, so much that I had consistent nightmares about them. Still do sometimes...thank you snow camp.

~Laramie

messed up things.

Day 10:) A picture of someone I do the most messed up things with. Hm....well, Nathan and I do a bunch of crazy stuff, like buy thousand-piece puzzles the night before the day- before I leave for home. Or we buy tickets to a movie, watch 20 minutes of the movie, decide it is thoroughly inappropriate and proceed to get our money back. Or, we drive to South Dakota and drive 90 miles out of the way (the WRONG direction mind you) then end up driving up with just enough time for him to literally sprint into Wayside Cross Ministries before the doors close...anyways, this is Nathan:)

And this is Vic. She's basically my other half in a more mature fashion. Messed up things, not really... random? Yes. These adventure include: the beach on windy days, which result in sand in our guacamole chips; Australian licorice; Candy shopping in Elmhurst; sitting in auditions for six hours without getting called, but taking photos in 3D glasses...and um... sunglass shopping at H&M, featuring this picture:) I love her:)

~Laramie

More pictures, more pictures, more pictures

Meh, I don't like this picture thing, but I want to be consistent at SOMETHING. I missed yesterday for two good reasons: Grandpa's birthday....Grandpas 80TH birthday....oh how I love him so much, look up to him, want to be like him and my grandmother when I am advanced in years as they are. 80 years of dedicated work, love, life. So grand. And seeing him walk through the door to see his two sons from the Midwest and Eastcoast--meaning all eight children, practically all cousins, and most great grandchildren were present-- not knowing they were going to be there, things got a little misty for a bit. It's just, he's such a precious man and we all love him so, so much. A reunion like that with all of his eight children doing whatever it took to come and love on him for his 80th...flying in from out of state, driving as long as it took. That's love.

Anywho, picture time, since I missed yesterday I'll have two sets of pictures. First one, (day 8) someone you used to be close to. Well, Caterina. This is a competition picture from the dark ages, but it's really the most recent I have of us. She moved to Argentina and I moved to Illinois. Best friends, but we haven't been able to really keep the closeness going from so far away. She's a beautiful lady, beautiful friend:)

Second, the person who has gotten you through the most. We have a tie. My mother, of course, who's been a rock in my life for, well, 20 years. She's always been there, always dealt with my crap (I bring a lot of crap), she's even stayed up until 3 am, helping me with college homework I could have had finished had I applied myself.

And the other tie-er...whatever...is Julie. I think that if she didn't have the ability to love like she does, I would have driven her insane. Well okay, I almost drove her there, but, she has pulled me out of some scary places. Scary to me anyways; and we have only grown closer as time goes by. Unfortunately, I'm a bad photographer, so I do not have a picture of both of us...awful daughter in love am I. But she did:)

Peace in Christ,

Laramie

Oh to be like David and Asaph.

My Bible is a New International Version Worhsip Bible. And I love it. And today I wanted to write something so badly, something worth while. Because I feel like when I sit down to write on this blog, sometimes I don't have anything to say. So I turned to the first page of the book of Psalms, which happens to be the introduction that the editors give. All about the history and meaning of the book. And here is a little tidbit of what they have to say about Psalms:

"More than any other single book, Biblical or otherwise, the book of Psalms teaches us how to worship. Each psalm expresses, not merely the heart of the composer, but also the heart of the Holy Spirit Who inspired the composition. The more we read, study, meditate upon, sing and pray the psalms, the more we will worship with authenticity and ardor. The psalms invite us to go deeper with the Lord than we have gone before-- and they expand the horizons of our heart for God as well."

Ah, to be like David, Asaph, and the others who wrote this book of praise. And I so miss this concept every time I read Psalms: that it is the literal example to me I have at my disposal-- without question or doubt-- how to worship my King. And when I pray to him to prepare me for the scripture I'm about to take in, I should be asking him to show me the heart of the Holy Spirit and to give me that authenticity. That obsession with Who God is. Yes, let me be so consumed by His power and love that I lose all feeling and awareness to the rest of life going on around me. And that when I write, when I praise, when I lament, that it is inspired and breathed by God himself, the one to whom I cry out.

He teaches us how to worship and we completely miss it. All the time. And then we complain that we aren't being fed at our church, we aren't getting anything from the Word, we haven't felt convicted in such a long time, or that the worship of our hearts just isn't reaching heaven. And he's sitting there saying "worship like this! Pray like this! Hope like this!" Nothing here will ever be enough. It is our duty to our souls and to our salvation to become fed when there is no food, to worship when there is no music, to be convicted when there are no convictions. Because we are made in his image and that is enough for us to be able to understand how to be Children of God.

I love my Bible, but I also love the breath behind it.

This is the 7th picture: A picture of someone who inspires you. Well, that's obvious...

She's overcome so much. And she's loved God through every minute of it all.

~Laramie

Bleh, another photo

So this is the sixth photo....a picture of someone I would love to trade places with for a day. BY FAR: Mia Michaels. Greatest choreographer of all time, I think so anyways:)

I don't know what it would be like to be such a genius. She's got a creative bone that just produces the most amazing pieces of work, even just to think like her as far as dance goes...would be amazing.

~Laramie

It's a Psalm;)

I was searching through my Bible last night, literally looking for the right scripture to read. And it sounds funny to say, but I "stumbled" upon this Psalm. Psalm 62. I've never read it before, but it expressed literally everything I'm feeling, and spoke the words into me that my soul needed for encouragement. Our God is so great, so sincere, and so trustworthy. One of my favorite lines is verse 8, "Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." YES PLEASE. I pictured myself taking this and applying it to my life in real, tangible ways, whether it be getting in the car and just saying "Jesus...." and just spitting out my feelings, pouring out my heart. That's part of the reason why he died! So that I could climb into my car after horrible days and just vent to Him, because I know that he's got me.

Here is David's art song, Psalm 62:

Truly my soul finds rest in God;
my salvation comes from him.
Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

How long will you assault me?
Would all of you throw me down—
this leaning wall, this tottering fence?
Surely they intend to topple me
from my lofty place;
they take delight in lies.
With their mouths they bless,
but in their hearts they curse.[b]

Yes, my soul, find rest in God;
my hope comes from him.
Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God[c];
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in him at all times, you people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.

Surely the lowborn are but a breath,
the highborn are but a lie.
If weighed on a balance, they are nothing;
together they are only a breath.
Do not trust in extortion
or put vain hope in stolen goods;
though your riches increase,
do not set your heart on them.

One thing God has spoken,
two things I have heard:
“Power belongs to you, God,
and with you, Lord, is unfailing love”;
and, “You reward everyone
according to what they have done.”

Oh and by the way, day 5 of this crazy thing, and I'm sick of it. A picture of a favorite memory...my oldest cousin Ben came to Chicago with his wife Janet. They came and stole me for a day and we went to the city. My favorite place in the world nonetheless. Ben and I had a little heart to heart in front of the Lincoln Statue:)

Never fails to make me laugh...

Well, this is the fourth picture, and I crack up every time I see it. I was obviously having an eyebrow crisis, and Megan was failing miserably at pushing air into the top of her lip. After we tried multiple times to take a picture with both of us with inflated lips...this was our result:)

She will probably not be at all thrilled that I put this up, however, I enjoyed it when it happened:)

"He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy."
Job 8:21

~Laramie

Day 3

Aha, day three of this nifty little photo challenge. This one is a picture of the cast of my favorite show. Holy cow. Well, I am an old soul in some instances, so here are my best friends on television...

Oh The Dick Van Dyke Show. How I love, love, love thee.

This form of entertainment, with the talent that it had, will never come around again. It's when I watch this show that I'm convinced, I was born in the wrong era.

~Laramie

Someone I've been close to...

So the next photo: Someone I've been close to for the longest. Wow, I have known a lot of people...for a lot of years. Hm...I think because of moving so much I really don't have a ton of friends that I've been consistently close to since way back. So let's do this everyone, two pictures, though I've lived more than two places.

Rachel has been my best friend since probably 3rd grade. We've seen the ugly sides of each other, yelled at each other, and it will be a solid sister love for the rest of our lives, no matter where the Lord takes us.

Bethany and I are sisters:) I can't even express how much I love this woman of God. She keeps me in check and I trust her with my life:) Our first friend experience was a duet. She sang, I danced....Alabaster Box.

This was so hard. I think my biggest difficulty with having friends that stay close, is that I've been moved around a few times, so old friends may stay friends, and new friends may stay friends, and then the new become old, agh. Then I move. But, the Lord has blessed me with so many people in my life, that I love calling 'souls'. Because they mean so much to me, and I love them so much. They are the ones that have been Christ holding my hand. I've said this before: He physically held my hand through them.

~Laramie

I'm a bit of a softy.

So while I update my life on this here blog, I decided that I want to attempt to be consistent at it. There's a lovely fad on facebook right now called The 30 Day Photo challenge. Well, I'm going to do this in this space, instead of our friendly social network.

First photo: myself..

Ten facts about myself....hm....

1. I love orchids.
2. My brain goes straight to music whenever there is a trial I am going through, big or small.
3. After Australia I would love to be a choreographer.
4. Worship is my favorite thing to do.
5. I look terrible in white.
6. Thrift store shopping cures all my retail therapy needs.
7. "Walking Far From Home" by Iron and Wine gets me away from real life.
8. I love being the oldest kid.
9. Since I don't have my own bedroom at the moment, I shove myself in the bathroom for up to hours...listening to music.
10. Jeremiah is by far one of my favorite books of the Bible.

Eh, this could be a fun thing, I like pictures... a little too much:)

~Laramie

Psalm 139

So I was doing a google search for a Bible verse that I know I know, but I don't know where it is. And I found it:
Psalm 139:23

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

I love that verse, it's the most vulnerable verse. Search me. I know there are catacombs in my heart that I don't want the Lord to walk through. But then I kept reading and the site had a whole list of versions of the same verse. So a couple versions down was this, from God's Word translation:

Examine me, O God, and know my mind.
Test me, and know my thoughts.

Ooooo my. EXAMINE me. Put me under a microscope and see me, see what I'm about God. Show me what's my fault, show me the burdens I'm wrongly bearing, give me eyes to see where I am not walking with you. King James puts it this way, to "try me, and know my thoughts." Try me, test me, push me, challenge me, examine me, open me up, find me out. So many times have I read this verse and totally skipped over the deep vulnerability that it presents. And I sit here reading it like it's a piece of cake! Heck no I don't want the God of the universe looking at my dirty laundry! I've apparently coerced myself into thinking that I have it under control...because it's microscopic.
"NO. No my dear child, I can see you. I know you, I put you together." He can already see the mold growing on the walls of the catacombs of my heart, this verse is for me. For me to be able to get to the point of complete and total surrender. Reckless abandonment, see me God. It's for my own benefit, not His. He doesn't need my permission. He's already in there repairing the damage. But he wants me to find him on my own. To take Him there myself, so we can repair together.

He's such a genius, he knows us too well.

~Laramie

Adam

I don't know if I've ever explained my living arrangements. Or maybe I have...anyways, it's really not the living arrangements, it's the roommates. We are living in the guest house that belongs to my Aunt Lorena and Uncle Darin. They have two kids, Adam is 10 and Sarah is 7. And they are both such a blessing to be around. When we moved to Illinois, they were still pretty young, so it's nice to be close to them and watch them grow.

I want to tell you about the blessing that Adam is. I walked to the other side of our little house a bit earlier and stood at the kitchen counter. As I looked up, straight ahead, out the window I could see Adam standing on the ledge of the fence, looking over the side. Just watching. He was talking with the neighbors as they played baseball in the backyard. And it just made me smile.

Adam is autistic as well as having slight mental disabilities. But he is such a love. And watching him just sit and enjoy someone else enjoy life is something I want for my life. To be able to "be still." He's a precious kid and remind me of Matthew 19:13-15...

"Then people brought little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them and pray for them. But the disciples rebuked them. Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” When he had placed his hands on them, he went on from there."

He's talking about Adam. He's talking about his children.

buh-huh-LAH. Writer's block.
Which really makes no sense, I'm not a writer.

Anywho. Preparation for Australia continues to make me feel like it's really going no where. And if it is, in fact, moving along....either it's snail speed....or I'm impatient. Either one. I'm really confident that I'm severely impatient. A little more than the normal human being. But It's so funny how God shows up at my front door, like, ALL the time. And not too long ago I posted on the Facebook page for Hillsong International Leadership College, that, Lord willing, if the money is there I'll be there in July for the intake. And some angel of the Lord (don't remember his earthly name) commented on my post: "Remove the 'ifs' and watch God move:)" WHAT?! DUH! How could I be so "you of little faith".....

So I continue to read the Word and scribble my worries hoping that somehow my journal will communicate my feelings to the Lord.
That doesn't work either Laramie.
To fix this, last night I took a walk. I love walking at night. Usually because it's so quiet....okay, that and so none of the neighbors can see me struggling to run consistently for at least 2 minutes. But I just began praying. No headphones, no phonecalls, no facebook mobile, just gentle conversation with my Father. And I began with lifting up brothers and sisters in prayer, one by one as they came to mind. For healing, for strengthening, for confidence, for an outpour of blessings. It's so funny, I always feel like "and could you also maybe bless them too?..." Of course he can! He can bless the socks off of anyone he wants, as much as he wants. Because he IS. He IS. And as I'm just so involved in rambling on about people I love to the Lord, my attitude changed. No negativity or bitterness, no stubbornness, just an honest desire for things to be blessed and to be okay. I was so excited. Where do I go thinking that journaling and reading is enough? And where do I think that the only thing God wants to talk about all day is how I want to go home from work early? No, not really interested in that one Lar.

So the preparation continues not just in patience for Australia funding, but also in attitude and faith. Trusting that God really does have a handle on everything is harder to swallow than your home church makes you think it is. It is difficult. Painful. Terrifying. Exhausting. Strenuous. A release of power that no one is really ever willing to experience. But He loves us. Oh, if you can only picture him watching you, enjoying you, taking care of you as you walk through the valley of the shadow of death. We've all walked that one. And most children of God walk it and never leave it, that's how it's supposed to be. That's how he shows us our salvation.

On a lighter note, I seem to have no will power when it comes to my diet. So aside from committing to studying and practicing Pilates everyday this week, I've also banned myself from dairy, which naturally makes me sick to my stomach, and trying to cut out Gluten. There is something I'm putting into myself that is just crashing the party inside me, so my next solution is cut something out and see how I feel. Unfortunately that means bread and cookies....oh well. I have a best friend named Trader Joe, we'll see if he can help me out:)

Here's a blessing since moving home: Quality time with my sis we haven't had in over two years. Feels spectacular:) She's pretty rad.

Peace in Christ,

Laramie

The Portion of Jacob

I was reading Jeremiah tonight, it is by far one of my most favored books of the Bible--without a doubt. I feel like so many times I get caught in a 'Jeremiah 1' mindset where I'm too afraid to speak. And God never fails to gently remind me that he will give me the words to say, in fact, He'll put them right into my mouth. Chapter 10, I've never actually read it before, but this piece of scripture made my heart go on a rant about how much I want my God to be so many things in my life.

"He who is the Portion of Jacob is not like these,
for he is the Maker of all things,
including Israel, the tribe of his inheritance--
the Lord Almighty is his name."

Golly. I want to be Jacob! I want God to be my portion. My Portion.

I want Him to be my portion, just like Jacob. I want a fullness after I eat of his bread, his bread that feeds the hunger of a heart so starving that nothing else tastes good.
I want him to be my everything.
the hand I grab when I'm terrified,
the voice I hear when I can't understand,
I want Him to be my secretkeeper
my all-consuming fire
my soul's unfailing lover
my Father, my stronghold.
The only reason why I breathe this dirty, worldly air, because I know what's coming next.
My reason for being, my reason for writing and laughing.
I want him to be my crutch,
my superior.
I want Him to be the one that, when I see him at the end of the road, I run faster than my body can carry me, my soul runs ahead of me.
My Abba, my Addonai.
I want him to be the one to tell me "rest, I've got this," the one who keeps my heart at peace when everything else is falling apart.
I want him to be visible to me as he holds our shredded family.
I want him to be the light, the lighthouse, my source of energy.
Love. I want him to be the love in my life that can't help but pour itself onto other people.
I want him to be my Portion.
What I live on
What I breathe in
What I survive on
What I look for
What I strive for
What I yearn for
What I lay awake at night sleepless for
What I sacrifice my relationships for
What I sacrifice my dreams for
What I sacrifice my life for.
I want Him... to be my Portion.

God. Be my portion.