To be honest.

So the semester has officially started, *happy dance*....and I'm on the brink of being totally and completely broken by the Lord, I can totally feel it coming. It's like I'm staring off into the distance, looking at the future and I can see the change down the road--coming soon to a control freak near you.

First things first, look at these shoes....

Source: francescascollections.com via Laramie on Pinterest

...right?

Okay, anyways...
This will be the third week of our regular semester. Holy smokes. I--really--just realized how quickly it's gone by. I'm not overwhelmed in the study section of my brain yet, but in the heart category I'd say I'm ready to give up before I start. I'm sitting on the couch putting in my answers for my reading of Heart of the Artist. Yes, it is ironic that we are reading this book- for anyone who walked with me during the past five years of my life, it's very interesting how much I'm learning about both sides of the "ministry" spectrum! My heart is constantly going back and forth, because I'm learning how to handle something and grow into things, but at the same time I already know how it feels when things are not taken care of in the Godly way. And that's okay! Because it's seriously resonating and settling. And I get it.

All that to say, I felt like this afternoon (while I'm trying to finish the Heart of the Artist) that God was asking me to be honest. I wasn't sure what that meant at first, but after reading through the chapter of that book I went on a rabbit trail in my brain, and thought I'd share something that I found in the depths of my heart.
Trophy: (in ancient Greece or Rome) the weapons and other spoils of a defeated army set up as a memorial of victory.
• a representation of such a memorial; an ornamental group of symbolic objects arranged for display.

Burden: a duty or misfortune that causes hardship, anxiety, or grief; a nuisance:

Truth: I tend to hold my burdens as trophies. This makes everything difficult in the realm of growth and progress as a child of God. My biggest struggle, as is anyone's, over everything else is letting my burdens go. I am much more comfortable living uncomfortably. And I'd venture to say that it's because being uncomfortable is all I've known for quite a long time. But here is the thing that makes me sick (yes, I make myself sick): I don't let struggles go because I hold them as trophies. I let them define me and I make them be what represents my life. Totally disgusting. I remember when my dad was suddenly no longer a worship pastor and the experience of that is still in the business of affecting me. But one Godly woman, whom I love very much, wrote me and said "this will NOT define you." But I let it. It didn't define me to everyone else, but in my own view of myself and others, I was defined by that experience. Really gross situation to come out of and I let it rule my life. And honestly, I wanted it to. It's almost like I find a security blanket in controlling my struggles. I can put them where I want and lean on them when I need to. Wrong. Very wrong. But very much in recovery. I know that when things seem to be going well it feels weird and I tend to want to sabotage myself so that I can be "comfortable" again. There's always something wrong, so let's keep it that way, right? Right Laramie, because Christ sacrificed so that you could keep crucifying yourself for selfish reasons. No.

This year is going to be so huge. I know in my heart that things will be vomited out from my core that maybe I've never even seen before, that's okay. I will cry, that's okay. And I will want to give up, that's okay too. Bring it on.

2 Thessalonians 3:5 "May the Lord direct your hearts into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance." This means we don't run back to what we just persevered through. Very true, and very hard.

This onion definitely has many more layers to peel:)

~Laramie