buh-huh-LAH. Writer's block.
Which really makes no sense, I'm not a writer.

Anywho. Preparation for Australia continues to make me feel like it's really going no where. And if it is, in fact, moving along....either it's snail speed....or I'm impatient. Either one. I'm really confident that I'm severely impatient. A little more than the normal human being. But It's so funny how God shows up at my front door, like, ALL the time. And not too long ago I posted on the Facebook page for Hillsong International Leadership College, that, Lord willing, if the money is there I'll be there in July for the intake. And some angel of the Lord (don't remember his earthly name) commented on my post: "Remove the 'ifs' and watch God move:)" WHAT?! DUH! How could I be so "you of little faith".....

So I continue to read the Word and scribble my worries hoping that somehow my journal will communicate my feelings to the Lord.
That doesn't work either Laramie.
To fix this, last night I took a walk. I love walking at night. Usually because it's so quiet....okay, that and so none of the neighbors can see me struggling to run consistently for at least 2 minutes. But I just began praying. No headphones, no phonecalls, no facebook mobile, just gentle conversation with my Father. And I began with lifting up brothers and sisters in prayer, one by one as they came to mind. For healing, for strengthening, for confidence, for an outpour of blessings. It's so funny, I always feel like "and could you also maybe bless them too?..." Of course he can! He can bless the socks off of anyone he wants, as much as he wants. Because he IS. He IS. And as I'm just so involved in rambling on about people I love to the Lord, my attitude changed. No negativity or bitterness, no stubbornness, just an honest desire for things to be blessed and to be okay. I was so excited. Where do I go thinking that journaling and reading is enough? And where do I think that the only thing God wants to talk about all day is how I want to go home from work early? No, not really interested in that one Lar.

So the preparation continues not just in patience for Australia funding, but also in attitude and faith. Trusting that God really does have a handle on everything is harder to swallow than your home church makes you think it is. It is difficult. Painful. Terrifying. Exhausting. Strenuous. A release of power that no one is really ever willing to experience. But He loves us. Oh, if you can only picture him watching you, enjoying you, taking care of you as you walk through the valley of the shadow of death. We've all walked that one. And most children of God walk it and never leave it, that's how it's supposed to be. That's how he shows us our salvation.

On a lighter note, I seem to have no will power when it comes to my diet. So aside from committing to studying and practicing Pilates everyday this week, I've also banned myself from dairy, which naturally makes me sick to my stomach, and trying to cut out Gluten. There is something I'm putting into myself that is just crashing the party inside me, so my next solution is cut something out and see how I feel. Unfortunately that means bread and cookies....oh well. I have a best friend named Trader Joe, we'll see if he can help me out:)

Here's a blessing since moving home: Quality time with my sis we haven't had in over two years. Feels spectacular:) She's pretty rad.

Peace in Christ,

Laramie

The Portion of Jacob

I was reading Jeremiah tonight, it is by far one of my most favored books of the Bible--without a doubt. I feel like so many times I get caught in a 'Jeremiah 1' mindset where I'm too afraid to speak. And God never fails to gently remind me that he will give me the words to say, in fact, He'll put them right into my mouth. Chapter 10, I've never actually read it before, but this piece of scripture made my heart go on a rant about how much I want my God to be so many things in my life.

"He who is the Portion of Jacob is not like these,
for he is the Maker of all things,
including Israel, the tribe of his inheritance--
the Lord Almighty is his name."

Golly. I want to be Jacob! I want God to be my portion. My Portion.

I want Him to be my portion, just like Jacob. I want a fullness after I eat of his bread, his bread that feeds the hunger of a heart so starving that nothing else tastes good.
I want him to be my everything.
the hand I grab when I'm terrified,
the voice I hear when I can't understand,
I want Him to be my secretkeeper
my all-consuming fire
my soul's unfailing lover
my Father, my stronghold.
The only reason why I breathe this dirty, worldly air, because I know what's coming next.
My reason for being, my reason for writing and laughing.
I want him to be my crutch,
my superior.
I want Him to be the one that, when I see him at the end of the road, I run faster than my body can carry me, my soul runs ahead of me.
My Abba, my Addonai.
I want him to be the one to tell me "rest, I've got this," the one who keeps my heart at peace when everything else is falling apart.
I want him to be visible to me as he holds our shredded family.
I want him to be the light, the lighthouse, my source of energy.
Love. I want him to be the love in my life that can't help but pour itself onto other people.
I want him to be my Portion.
What I live on
What I breathe in
What I survive on
What I look for
What I strive for
What I yearn for
What I lay awake at night sleepless for
What I sacrifice my relationships for
What I sacrifice my dreams for
What I sacrifice my life for.
I want Him... to be my Portion.

God. Be my portion.

Come see...

So I'm in Illinois....*smiles and heart warms up a tad*

And I have got so much to be thankful for. But first things first, as always, let me tell you something that God has shown me. Once again, he never ceases to amaze me. It's so his hobby..."look what I can do"..."watch this". It makes me laugh, my dad is such a love:)

I have a very bad habit of not following Christ-like impulsiveness. Everyone who loves the Lord is impulsive as long as it goes according to what the Lord has told them. You hear the voice of God...and you move. Done. Impulsive. And sometimes when the He convicts me about something I should say or do, I spend a ridiculous amount of useless seconds saying "are you sure?...shouldn't we talk about this a little more so I know I heard you correctly?....can we wait and make sure this is the right move?....hello?" And the "hello?" comes when God has told me something and is then sitting in Heaven thinking "Let's go already!!!!! I'm not talking to you 'til you move!!!" Oh how I love him, I'm laughing as I write this because he cracks me up:)

Now that I've stalled, my 'Christ-like impulse' sat deeply questioned for a good week before I made my official decision to fly to Illinois. With everything that Nathan has been through, God really convicted me on some love that I would have to show towards him. And it doesn't involve running up and giving him a huge kiss followed by an enormous hug:) He asked me to agape. Agape love is profound concern for someone else and acting on that, regardless of how it makes them feel at the moment, or if they will even have anything to do with you after you've gotten through the storm. A simply terrifying command from the Lord that only scared me because I was focused on what I would lose instead of what I would gain. And after stepping back from an intimate relationship with my best friend the Lord was able to work in Nathan in some very significant ways. Yes Nathan was mad at first, yes he was frustrated, but it's God's grace that he eventually understood why I was "absent" from the group. So as I sat on the plane all the way here, I was worried. Is it too soon? Should I have waited like I said I was going to before I knew how he would come out of this? Does this need more prayer? Am I making a mistake Jesus? And it wasn't until I was sharing this thought process(to Nathan actually) that these words settled in my heart: "Come see....come see what I've done." It was almost as if I could feel the excitement pouring out of heaven while the Lord sits on his throne, "look at this!! Look at my child!!" And so I came, and I saw, and I'm blown away. I sat on my impulsiveness a little too long, but I'm blessed at what He has shown me since I've been here.

2 Chronicles 20 has some crucial commands from the Lord: "...Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's.'...You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you."

When He asks us to move, whether it's a slow move into a decision, or a Christ-like impulse, we had better obey no matter what the request. No matter what the cost.

Peace in Christ,

~Laramie