stories, I like them:)

I was going to put up some pictures, but our computer died. So, we replaced it with an older one temporarily....which won't recognize my camera, or anything else for that matter.

Anywho, I feel like yesterday I got back from my visit to Illinois....and now tomorrow is APRIL....what? Time has gone by so, so fast! Nathan and I were talking the other day and I was telling him how before I came to visit over New Years, it seemed like time was crawling by. Taking for-e-ver. And now that I have been back, it's speeding past. I think we have reached the number now where it's been a longer gap of not seeing him, or anyone from Illinois, than the first time. But it feels shorter. It's like we need that first visit, homecoming, reunion, and now time is absolutely flying.

I was thinking about people earlier this week. Not really anyone in particular, but just people in general. And actually now that I think about it, what sparked this monologue in my head was my day-trip to Palo Alto, CA to visit my little cousin Jake. I will tell you about him in a sec. I literally spent almost a full day just hanging in the hospital room with him and his parents. His parents are technically my second cousins, making him my third, but whatever. He has been diagnosed with heart failure so really they just sit in the room, take care of what Jake needs, and try to keep themselves entertained. And I LOVED it--and on my way home I was trying to figure out why in heaven I could literally just sit with someone and, whether we are doing something or not, totally enjoy it. It's because above everything else, more than music, more than dance, more than art, more than food, more than reading, singing, laughing, more than movies, school, life, whatever--with the exception of my relationship with the Lord, I love to spend time with people more than anything else on earth. If that was all I did for the rest of my life was spend quality time with anyone and everyone in my life I would be set....makes my heart cry:)

Okay, Jacob--probably one of the greatest examples of the strength of Christ present in my life right now. When Jake was born his left ventricle wasn't formed, so far he has had six heart surgeries to assist his hard working right ventricle; tomorrow the team meets to decide if he is a candidate for a heart transplant. They could decline him, which to me makes no sense whatsoever. The child is six years old, could we give him the chance to graduate high school maybe? Maybe? Maybe make an impact with the huge testimony he will have by the time he gets there? He is such a solid little kid. He endures the pain and has a will to live like I've never seen before. Such a warrior and be in prayer that the Lord will bless him with a heart. A heart that will beat for the Lord with every fiber. And our whole family gladly admits, we can't live without him:)

He's a trooper:) And got to take a walk today...

~Laramie

Provisions:)

I like the word "whoa", so I'm going to use it:

...whoa...

I am blessed. For real, truly blessed. God has taken care of me, tested me, instructed me, given me many counselors that I love and adore; He has just surrounded me with beautiful things amidst the difficulties. First one being this:

It's champaign color:)
It came at just the right time.

A tad too much laughing going on around here:)

This little shapeless dress,
completely floral,
and probably formerly owned by a mother who kindly ripped out the shoulder pads before handing it down.
Courtesy of GoodWill...

And this has nothing to do with anything,
but it's one of the most adorable houses ever.
I might want it.
It's in the middle of Stockton, which is where I grew up--across the street from the Baptist church...
...in which I grew up:)
Isn't it so cute? Praise Jesus.

Illinois, Compass church, I miss you.

~Laramie

Excuse me, but that's my car.

I totally forgot to mention this the last time I posted. It's a minor event, really it is--but I think that it was something that the Lord wanted to let happen, because it taught me so, so much.

So two weeks ago this coming Sunday, my car was repossessed. Hello, I didn't realize how attached I was to my car. And I kind of felt like a materialistic little girl when I was bawling as I watched through the window. Let me just say, that as much as I am responsible for my car, I'm also very much so not responsible for my car. To put it in a nutshell it really belonged to my dad, was in his name, all that jazz. But I did pay for it for most of the time I drove it, paid the insurance, so really besides the name on the title, it was mine. After a series of discombobulated events, I had been promised it was taken care of, but then it wasn't, then it was, and to be honest I really don't know where my car really landed as far as payments and paperwork. The responsibility had been lifted off my shoulders from my dad, so I trusted that I would be okay. Dad filed for bankruptcy last year and again, not really sure, my car was supposedly on the list, then not, then it was, who knows. A lot of gray areas here:)

I'm a girl, and I'm very much in my head with my thoughts probably more often than not. And more than I spend time in actual conversations with other people. Sometimes that's good, a lot of times it's bad. But a couple of things going through my head that Sunday night--at 10:30pm--were initial reactions I think anyone would have, but not things to dwell on. "that's my car....I've been driving that since I left home....I drove across the U.S. in that car...that's my car..." Over and over and over. And other thoughts having to do with hurt and abandonment that I'm sure everyone could create on their own were running through my head. I sobbed for a bit, while mom just laid in the bed next to me apologizing. It's got nothing to do with her, but she's a mom:) But the cool thing about all of this, is that it's done. My brother lovingly wrote to me on facebook, referring to a date we were joking about having- "I guess I'll be picking YOU up." Yes Cameron, yes you will. But then he made a pretty deep statement that I hadn't realized yet: "It's the last string attached, gone, that has to feel pretty good." Ha, it's sad, but true. The last string that attaches me to any sort of control that my dad could have over me, or that leaves me being dragged behind him when he can't follow through. Everyone disappoints, I disappoint, it's nothing foreign.

I bought my own car last Thursday, after a few days of stress which caused some cozy mouth ulcers to camp out on my tongue for about a week. Yes, I get those when I'm stressed. But there is something about this car that makes me excited every time I get in. Credit to Julie, she did remind me "it's a new thing!" With God, with me, with life, it's a new thing. My thing, I'm free:) And God totally had me the whole time. There wasn't a single moment in time where he stood where everyone else did, saying "wow I'm sorry, I didn't think they were going to take it tonight..." The even more incredible thing: because of the valleys He has brought me through already, this really was small potatoes in my heart. It was hard, it's a car, and now I'm doing a new thing:)


"Stop trusting in man,
who has but breath in his nostrils.
Of what account is he?"
~Isaiah 2:22

"Surely the arm of the Lord is not too short to save,
nor his ear too dull to hear."
~ Isaiah 59:1

~ Laramie

Open clenched fists.

Okay so here's the thing. The Abraham Test. Abraham is walking up the mountain with Isaac, preparing his heart for the worst experience ever: physically sacrificing his son. The very last moment consists of an angel appearing out of nowhere--like they usually do--and shouting at Abraham to stop. God was testing him, to see what was in his heart, to know that Abraham loved God more than his only son. The Abraham Test. God asks you to do something that risks or causes you to sacrifice everything, so you agree in your heart do it. Then, when you get to knife point, or, the point at which you have made the bulk of the journey and you are ready for the final step, God tells you to stop.

The Abraham Test.

My life for the past few years has been full of these. God gets me to the point where my heart is in total trust that he will take care of me and I'm comfortable with the change, and then it doesn't happen that way. It's just mind blowing how well God knows us. I know that's such a simple statement-- duh, he created us, every single fiber and emotion-- but sometimes I think we all forget that he really does know us better than anyone. So he knows that I'm a terrible big-decision maker, get extremely homesick in any situation, want to live completely sold out for Him, and I like being in my comfort zone. And those don't go together...

Here's the latest test, which was actually the reason for the creation of Mocholatte. I had been accepted into Hillsong Australia this past August, so naturally to be able to pay for it I'd need to move home. What an opportunity and I'm being totally serious. I have been listening and watching the Hillsong leaders since I was little. I know their music, know their Worship team when I see them, love what they are about. So this open door was something that I was going to be serious about, which I have been. I felt called to move home and chase after this opportunity, I really did. God has given me a chance--why would I let it pass by? So I told the Lord like I had many times, I will do whatever He wants me to do, whether that ends up being Australia or not. If it is, I will give up comfort, I will give up seeing Nathan for a year, I will give up my family here and in Illinois, whatever it takes if this is where he wants me to go. So I moved home, that was hard. I though it was hard having my family leave when I was 18, but leaving my church, family, and friends was harder this time.

Well, there came a time during Nathan's hospitalization that God had me in a corner and I realized what he wanted. Surrender. How many times has that been drilled into my head and I continue to think that my problems lay elsewhere? I think I mentioned this in my last post, that there came a point where I literally said to Him "okay Lord I get it, I get what you are trying to say. Whatever else I'm holding onto just take it." And there it went. Open clenched fists once again. Let it go.

So here I sit, on the floor of my little sister's room writing a story about a change I didn't think would happen. My life is not my own and neither is the path that I take to make a life. What I end up doing in the future is just as much His as what I'm doing this very second.

I've realized that at this moment, Hillsong was used by God to get me to where he wanted me to be: a place where I could be alone, where I could hear Him, and where I would once again have only Him to lean on. That's how it should be always. There are a couple of schools in the states that I'm praying about, I do have a feeling about one in particular, but I'm not packing my bags just yet:)

"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God planned in advance for us to do."
Ephesians 2:10

~Laramie

Tiny drought, but we let it go.

Hmmm...okay. I have completely abandoned that horrible picture thing, which I had read somewhere was very much promoted by the Kardashian sisters. As much as they are beautiful and I would love to own a hat or two of theirs, not people I want to model my life after--even down to a measly picture race. The real reason is that I am really bad at being consistent with things that leave you no room for creativity. And I'm stubborn, so unless it means something to me I can't keep it up.

Well, I think I've had the words sucked out of me somehow and I disappeared for about a week. But I enjoyed it. I do journal, but journaling...you can say whatever you want, like it's a letter to your Lord when here on mocholatte there is a filter.

I read this passage today out of Psalms. I love Psalms--it seems like everytime one opens to the book, there is a new set of poetic lyrics that David wrote that we've never read before. By we I mean me, I have not read ALL of Psalms, but I'm sure that will happen very soon. It's just so encouraging to be able to have a window straight into the praises and laments of David's soul. He takes the words right out of your mouth. And this passage that I read just totally described a new sort of closure that I've come upon, which needs a bit more prayer and direction before I share. The passage...

I am under vows to you, O God;
I will present my thank offerings to you.
For you have delivered me from death
and my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before God
in the light of life.

~ Psalm 56:12-13

All I have to say about that, is that it is such an earth shattering blessing to feel, when you finally surrender to the Lord all that you hold dear, all you aspire to be, all that you love. And that this Creator, this King, this Sovereign Lord holds us dear to his heart, he has "delivered us from death and our feet from stumbling." What an honor it is to be able to walk before God in the light of life. What a true honor. He keeps us from stumbling, then lets us walk before him in his light. Please may that be the air in my lungs no matter what I face. Let that be the circulation in my veins, the fibers of my being, let THE Light of Life be all that I am and aspire to be.
I think that the real meaning of this, which has finally begun to settle into my heart started with Nathan's accident. Because it was almost instant, my reaction...."okay God, I get it, whatever else I'm holding onto please just take it. I get what you are trying to say to me. Take it all." Oh Jesus, when he takes away the things that are most important to you, or the person most important to you, you realize where you need to just let go. Open clenched fists. And let go.

~Laramie