Open clenched fists.

Okay so here's the thing. The Abraham Test. Abraham is walking up the mountain with Isaac, preparing his heart for the worst experience ever: physically sacrificing his son. The very last moment consists of an angel appearing out of nowhere--like they usually do--and shouting at Abraham to stop. God was testing him, to see what was in his heart, to know that Abraham loved God more than his only son. The Abraham Test. God asks you to do something that risks or causes you to sacrifice everything, so you agree in your heart do it. Then, when you get to knife point, or, the point at which you have made the bulk of the journey and you are ready for the final step, God tells you to stop.

The Abraham Test.

My life for the past few years has been full of these. God gets me to the point where my heart is in total trust that he will take care of me and I'm comfortable with the change, and then it doesn't happen that way. It's just mind blowing how well God knows us. I know that's such a simple statement-- duh, he created us, every single fiber and emotion-- but sometimes I think we all forget that he really does know us better than anyone. So he knows that I'm a terrible big-decision maker, get extremely homesick in any situation, want to live completely sold out for Him, and I like being in my comfort zone. And those don't go together...

Here's the latest test, which was actually the reason for the creation of Mocholatte. I had been accepted into Hillsong Australia this past August, so naturally to be able to pay for it I'd need to move home. What an opportunity and I'm being totally serious. I have been listening and watching the Hillsong leaders since I was little. I know their music, know their Worship team when I see them, love what they are about. So this open door was something that I was going to be serious about, which I have been. I felt called to move home and chase after this opportunity, I really did. God has given me a chance--why would I let it pass by? So I told the Lord like I had many times, I will do whatever He wants me to do, whether that ends up being Australia or not. If it is, I will give up comfort, I will give up seeing Nathan for a year, I will give up my family here and in Illinois, whatever it takes if this is where he wants me to go. So I moved home, that was hard. I though it was hard having my family leave when I was 18, but leaving my church, family, and friends was harder this time.

Well, there came a time during Nathan's hospitalization that God had me in a corner and I realized what he wanted. Surrender. How many times has that been drilled into my head and I continue to think that my problems lay elsewhere? I think I mentioned this in my last post, that there came a point where I literally said to Him "okay Lord I get it, I get what you are trying to say. Whatever else I'm holding onto just take it." And there it went. Open clenched fists once again. Let it go.

So here I sit, on the floor of my little sister's room writing a story about a change I didn't think would happen. My life is not my own and neither is the path that I take to make a life. What I end up doing in the future is just as much His as what I'm doing this very second.

I've realized that at this moment, Hillsong was used by God to get me to where he wanted me to be: a place where I could be alone, where I could hear Him, and where I would once again have only Him to lean on. That's how it should be always. There are a couple of schools in the states that I'm praying about, I do have a feeling about one in particular, but I'm not packing my bags just yet:)

"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God planned in advance for us to do."
Ephesians 2:10

~Laramie