Thankful

I don't think I've ever really expressed how blessed I am. Blessed in a specific circumstance. These past three years have been the most difficult and dark years that I've ever had to work through. But oh how they've come into the light:) And I am literally brought to my knees in joy and sincere thankfulness when I look back on the souls that have surrounded me, and are still keeping strong. My "balcony people" standing on the sidelines...no, not standing, running down the sidelines, by my side the entire time. Souls who have comforted me, shook me, squeezed me until my frustrations are gone, screamed at me, pushed me, read to me, listened to me cry the same thing over and over on the phone, adopted me, given me love that only comes from a family, souls that have gone far beyond out of their way to show me Christ. I've read messages from friends, close, close friends, writing me on September 7, 2008 with nothing else to say but "I love you, I'm praying for you, and I'm here." Those people, those loves, those precious, precious souls are still there. They are there and they are true. I've been so, so blessed, Dear Lord, more than words can even express. It's because of these people that I have been able to walk through the valley of the shadow of death and know that He is with me. I have nothing to my name, but I have people in my life that mean more to me than life itself. My only reason for this one today, is that I know where Jesus was in my life the whole time. The times when I thought for sure, he was letting me do this one on my own. Now, now I'm starting to see the vision of Jesus holding my hand. When I thought he wasn't there, he was oh so very present the entire time. Through those beloved friends, beloved souls. He was holding my hand, as they were physically...holding my hands. unconditionally.

Unconditional- not limited by conditions; absolute

Friend- a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

Job 16:20 "My intercessor is my friend
as my eyes pour out tears to God"

~Laramie

Not Earthly Things

I'm so full!!!!!!! Holy cow, and we have another thanksgiving tomorrow. This one with the entire Peets side of the family, which, on just an Aunt and Uncle, first cousin basis consists of about 30-40 people. Food.

But, I made a list today of the things I'm thankful for. And I felt a little cliche, because it feels like "What are you thankful for?" is taken so lightly these days. It's more of a tradition than something to really take seriously. Anyway, I started writing, and God has blessed me above and beyond....but they are not earthly things He has blessed me with. And when it comes down to having to live in a mild "survival mode" the things that you become thankful for end up being the irreplaceables....my family, the people in Illinois that I love and have loved me like family, Nathan who loves the Lord more than anything, my relationship with his family, my counselors, the Compass Church and everything that body of Christ has done for me, my closest friends who have remained honest, loving, and dedicated, and the list goes on.

God has been so good to me. He has taken me through some valleys I thought I'd never see, but those valleys have created in me a strength and a love for the Lord that couldn't have been acquired any other way.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.'"

~Lar

Save

So I was driving home yesterday from Pilates training and it's about a 30-minute drive to and from. This is plenty of time to listen to my heartsong "Hosanna" about 17 times:) It's a version sung by Hillsong United, quite possibly the best live version of this song I've ever heard. I think I've listened to this song more than 17 times, maybe about 92...somewhere around there. But what I love about listening to one song over and over is that at some point the words click. And then not just the words, but the meaning of the words. For me, repetition is soothing, so I can literally listen to the same song all day long and not grow tired of it. Because I choreograph, make up scenes in my head, picture a worship session, or a production, or just enjoy the climactic nature of a song. And there is a small set of verses smack dab in the middle of the song, at the peak of its emotion. And the words go like this:

Cleanse my heart and make it clean,
Open up my eyes to the things unseen,
Show me how to love, like you have loved me.

Break my heart for what breaks yours,
Everything I am for your Kingdom's cause,
As I walk from earth into eternity.

And I'm just singing these words, worshiping, staging thing in my head, and it hits me. "break my heart for what breaks yours." God's heart breaks....it breaks. His heart literally shatters when things are going wrong! When we stumble, when we aren't as faithful as He would love for us to be, when evil gets in the way and we lose our focus, when his children are suffering! His heart breaks! God feels pain, he feels strong emotions, he hurts for us daily, he is broken for us daily. And I just wept. "Lord, your heart breaks! Break mine!" Then, I go on listening to the words realizing that I've been missing a huge message, and the line after that says "everything I am for your Kingdom's cause." Oh my goodness. EVERYTHING I AM, Lord, everything. It's your death wish to the Lord, "to the death father, everything I am, here it is." For your Kingdom's cause, as I walk from earth into eternity. It's not about down here, it's about up there and what I do until then! Who cares about HERE?!!! Everything I am Lord, for your Kingdom's cause, I just can't put into words how profound that is to me. Everything I am, everything I am.

If you haven't heard that song, listen to it. And listen to the whole thing. Listen to her worship and sing from the depths of her heart, listen to him cry out to the Lord, and listen to the people in the audience sing, because that's heaven. Who doesn't love to hear heaven...

And Hosanna is a Hebrew expression of "Save!"...in case you wanted to know:) Hosanna. Save.

~Lar

Control freak much?

This is my journaling from this morning. I love doing devotionals and journaling, but I know that a lot of times I make sure I do it so that I'm not feeling guilty for not doing it. When really, I should feel the guilt because I haven't spent time with my Savior, and I should go into it looking for wisdom, discipline, mercy, and what the Lord wants to say to me. My biggest struggle is that I go into the Word looking for comfort. That's fine, that's what it's there for, but that's not all God is meant to be for us.

Psalms 143 was so encouraging to me this morning:

v.8 "Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I life up my soul."

O God, this is how I've been feeling! And the morning is when I usually lose all faith and trust. Help me to relax, resting in your strength and promises.

Vs. 10 "Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God;
may your good spirit lead me on level ground."
Vs. 12 "In your unfailing love,
silence my enemies;
destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant."

Jesus, I want to think nothing but that you are pleased with me. My thoughts consume me all the time. I confess to you that I don't trust you all the time, but only in things I'm willing to give up control of. I am a fearful child, Dear God. The morning begins with an apprehensive and anxious attitude, then ends with fear for tomorrow. And Lord, when I spend my days like that I miss what you are showing me. Give me rest, and give me opportunity. I love you Lord.

This song has stuck in my brain since I was probably 6 or 7...
I love you Lord,
And I lift my voice,
to worship you,
Oh my soul, rejoice.

Take joy my King,
In what you hear.
May it be a sweet, sweet sound,
in your ear.

Lord, as I pray these things I can literally, physically feel my heart inflating, freeing itself from worry. Thank you Jesus:)

Matthew 18

I'm reading a piece of scripture that I think I've read about a thousand times...give or take a couple of scripture skimming. Matthew 18: 1- 14 goes through the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven and to The Parable of The Lost Sheep. And the one verse that I know I've read before hit me so strongly...

"In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should be lost." Matthew 18:14.

Hm..."not willing" ....Not: used to express negation, denial, refusal, or prohibition.
Willing: disposed or consenting; inclined.

God refuses to incline. He will have no part in actively watching any of us go astray. If and when we do, he will come, and he will find us. No matter what the cost. I think the thing that dawned on me is that I always felt that He has live relationships with his children, but I never really thought about the fact that no matter what, He is always seeking to bring us back. Always. God never stops pursuing us. "...your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should be lost." What a great encouragement, that when I turn into a legit wack job, which does happen often, he doesn't sit on his throne waiting for me to get my head on straight. He's the one who makes that new beginning happen! How could I not love him for that?

Just reading that has given me a whole new love for Nathan. Nathan has been down a road that is so foreign to me, but has somehow brought about similar feelings, which allows us to really understand each other. But, with all the things that Satan has dragged him through and that he willingly participated in, God actively pursued him at all costs. No matter what it took to get Nathan's attention. And He finally got a hold of him, because He so loves Nathan. O, how can I not love this child, this man of God that I have seen God love so much! Look at how the Lord chased after him, how he left the flock of 99 to find the one. And he has given this precious find to me to love. It's amazing, and it's amazing how much I learn from Nathan.

I'm praying tonight that I can go back to read scripture I've read many times, to discover what the Lord is actually saying. Not what the church says he's saying, not what my mom's devotional book says he's saying, but what fragments of words that hold the message of the whole book are saying. Because without "is not willing," how zealous does it really sound?

~Lar

Mobility

Oh, Lord how I want this to all make sense!

I think my biggest challenge since moving has been understanding the fact that if I want to follow the Lord with my whole heart, I can't be in control:) Pretty simple, and I'm pretty sure everyone reading this is saying "....duh..." But oh how hard it is when I thought that I had given Him everything! Now that I live here I do understand that other than going to work, nothing is my control. That doesn't mean that I wasn't giving control to the Lord while living in Illinois, but when I'm the one calling all the shots because I'm depending on myself the control appears different. I think that what I had overcome was the repercussions of what has happened to my family. Also a huge thing, but at the same time different than letting go of what God does with my life. So, I regularly freak out when I realize that I'm 20 years old and I haven't started school, gotten a job that puts me on a career path of some kind, or at least a job that helps me be more financially stable. And that's where the Lord is getting me. Because really none of those things matter and if they do I need a severe heart change. He's teaching me mobility: The ability to move when commanded and doing it with a joyful, teachable heart.

As far as Australia goes, it's truly in the Lord's hands. Everything is a good idea, and all things are possible with God. But, as I said before, I don't have control, never did, never should have, and now that I've realized that I think He is putting things in order for me. I've made the mistake of taking the opportunities he gives me and trying to make them work on my own, resulting in me unintentionally trying to fulfill them in the wrong order. God never gives you the full picture, and that's what I've been asking for. Oh, you of little faith! My only desire is to do His Will, but I'm trying to even have control over His desires matching mine! NO! Mine should match his, and that's what he's massaging in my heart right now.

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7.
Relax, Laramie.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.
Lar, let it go.

I'm praying for the desires of my heart, that they would match His, and that the opportunities will arise. That may involve Australia, or it won't. My desire is to do the will of my Father.

~Lar

It's finally sunk in.

I am a very stubborn individual. It's something I hate about myself, but choose to work on instead of making greater hatred for it every time I find that I'm stuck in a situation where stubbornness might not be the best way to go. This morning at work I was going over my schedule, the new ones are posted usually around Sunday or Monday. Panera weeks start with Wednesday...don't ask, I don't know. So, my schedule is definitely less days, which is okay even though I'd rather be working 4-5 days a week, but I'm getting about an average of 4. I glance at next Tuesday...and it's not a morning shift, which, at my last cafe, I would only be available until 4pm. I don't do night shifts ever. Plus, most of the things that happen in my life tend to be later in the day when I'm out traipsing around the current city I live in. But no, next Tuesday I definitely close...which isn't a problem anyway because I'm here for the specific reason of working a lot, saving money, and spending time with my family. But no...

My initial response was an internal version of "throwing a fit." And as I mulled over this awful schedule experience I'm having I believe that the Holy Spirt, who tends to be my buddy, quietly showed me how stubborn I really am. "Um, okay, so you aren't doing anything next Tuesday...are you?"...."no....". "And you need the money...right?", "yeah." "And, if you want to marry Nathan, and potentially go to school in Australia...you'll need whatever you can get?"......."YES." I am simply pathetic. I came home to work and save money. I'd requested these next four weekends off because of the classes for my pilates certification, so that really limits my work schedule. So here I am upset that I'm not getting a ton of days, but I've restricted my own availability. I have one closing shift and I'm not willing to accept that I can't have a night to do whatever I want. Laramie, this is not about what you want. And the Lord gently told me, that if he is teaching me something, he's not interested in doing it the way I want to learn. After all, who know's me better than me? Perhaps the one who created me? Perhaps.

That's really something that I have to let go and I'm glad that the Lord is teaching me these things now while I'm home on a mission. I know that when I have a lot going on and things change all of a sudden, or don't go how they usually do and it messes me up, I turn into this crazy beast that is of the world, not just in it. And it's not about me! How dare I throw a fit every time the Lord tries to give me a blessing in disguise? "no, Lord, that's not how I wanted you to bless me." Well then, what's the point of living for my Savior if I can't do what it takes?

"I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind."
Ecclesiastes 1:14

~Lar