It's finally sunk in.

I am a very stubborn individual. It's something I hate about myself, but choose to work on instead of making greater hatred for it every time I find that I'm stuck in a situation where stubbornness might not be the best way to go. This morning at work I was going over my schedule, the new ones are posted usually around Sunday or Monday. Panera weeks start with Wednesday...don't ask, I don't know. So, my schedule is definitely less days, which is okay even though I'd rather be working 4-5 days a week, but I'm getting about an average of 4. I glance at next Tuesday...and it's not a morning shift, which, at my last cafe, I would only be available until 4pm. I don't do night shifts ever. Plus, most of the things that happen in my life tend to be later in the day when I'm out traipsing around the current city I live in. But no, next Tuesday I definitely close...which isn't a problem anyway because I'm here for the specific reason of working a lot, saving money, and spending time with my family. But no...

My initial response was an internal version of "throwing a fit." And as I mulled over this awful schedule experience I'm having I believe that the Holy Spirt, who tends to be my buddy, quietly showed me how stubborn I really am. "Um, okay, so you aren't doing anything next Tuesday...are you?"...."no....". "And you need the money...right?", "yeah." "And, if you want to marry Nathan, and potentially go to school in Australia...you'll need whatever you can get?"......."YES." I am simply pathetic. I came home to work and save money. I'd requested these next four weekends off because of the classes for my pilates certification, so that really limits my work schedule. So here I am upset that I'm not getting a ton of days, but I've restricted my own availability. I have one closing shift and I'm not willing to accept that I can't have a night to do whatever I want. Laramie, this is not about what you want. And the Lord gently told me, that if he is teaching me something, he's not interested in doing it the way I want to learn. After all, who know's me better than me? Perhaps the one who created me? Perhaps.

That's really something that I have to let go and I'm glad that the Lord is teaching me these things now while I'm home on a mission. I know that when I have a lot going on and things change all of a sudden, or don't go how they usually do and it messes me up, I turn into this crazy beast that is of the world, not just in it. And it's not about me! How dare I throw a fit every time the Lord tries to give me a blessing in disguise? "no, Lord, that's not how I wanted you to bless me." Well then, what's the point of living for my Savior if I can't do what it takes?

"I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind."
Ecclesiastes 1:14

~Lar