buh-huh-LAH. Writer's block.
Which really makes no sense, I'm not a writer.

Anywho. Preparation for Australia continues to make me feel like it's really going no where. And if it is, in fact, moving along....either it's snail speed....or I'm impatient. Either one. I'm really confident that I'm severely impatient. A little more than the normal human being. But It's so funny how God shows up at my front door, like, ALL the time. And not too long ago I posted on the Facebook page for Hillsong International Leadership College, that, Lord willing, if the money is there I'll be there in July for the intake. And some angel of the Lord (don't remember his earthly name) commented on my post: "Remove the 'ifs' and watch God move:)" WHAT?! DUH! How could I be so "you of little faith".....

So I continue to read the Word and scribble my worries hoping that somehow my journal will communicate my feelings to the Lord.
That doesn't work either Laramie.
To fix this, last night I took a walk. I love walking at night. Usually because it's so quiet....okay, that and so none of the neighbors can see me struggling to run consistently for at least 2 minutes. But I just began praying. No headphones, no phonecalls, no facebook mobile, just gentle conversation with my Father. And I began with lifting up brothers and sisters in prayer, one by one as they came to mind. For healing, for strengthening, for confidence, for an outpour of blessings. It's so funny, I always feel like "and could you also maybe bless them too?..." Of course he can! He can bless the socks off of anyone he wants, as much as he wants. Because he IS. He IS. And as I'm just so involved in rambling on about people I love to the Lord, my attitude changed. No negativity or bitterness, no stubbornness, just an honest desire for things to be blessed and to be okay. I was so excited. Where do I go thinking that journaling and reading is enough? And where do I think that the only thing God wants to talk about all day is how I want to go home from work early? No, not really interested in that one Lar.

So the preparation continues not just in patience for Australia funding, but also in attitude and faith. Trusting that God really does have a handle on everything is harder to swallow than your home church makes you think it is. It is difficult. Painful. Terrifying. Exhausting. Strenuous. A release of power that no one is really ever willing to experience. But He loves us. Oh, if you can only picture him watching you, enjoying you, taking care of you as you walk through the valley of the shadow of death. We've all walked that one. And most children of God walk it and never leave it, that's how it's supposed to be. That's how he shows us our salvation.

On a lighter note, I seem to have no will power when it comes to my diet. So aside from committing to studying and practicing Pilates everyday this week, I've also banned myself from dairy, which naturally makes me sick to my stomach, and trying to cut out Gluten. There is something I'm putting into myself that is just crashing the party inside me, so my next solution is cut something out and see how I feel. Unfortunately that means bread and cookies....oh well. I have a best friend named Trader Joe, we'll see if he can help me out:)

Here's a blessing since moving home: Quality time with my sis we haven't had in over two years. Feels spectacular:) She's pretty rad.

Peace in Christ,

Laramie

The Portion of Jacob

I was reading Jeremiah tonight, it is by far one of my most favored books of the Bible--without a doubt. I feel like so many times I get caught in a 'Jeremiah 1' mindset where I'm too afraid to speak. And God never fails to gently remind me that he will give me the words to say, in fact, He'll put them right into my mouth. Chapter 10, I've never actually read it before, but this piece of scripture made my heart go on a rant about how much I want my God to be so many things in my life.

"He who is the Portion of Jacob is not like these,
for he is the Maker of all things,
including Israel, the tribe of his inheritance--
the Lord Almighty is his name."

Golly. I want to be Jacob! I want God to be my portion. My Portion.

I want Him to be my portion, just like Jacob. I want a fullness after I eat of his bread, his bread that feeds the hunger of a heart so starving that nothing else tastes good.
I want him to be my everything.
the hand I grab when I'm terrified,
the voice I hear when I can't understand,
I want Him to be my secretkeeper
my all-consuming fire
my soul's unfailing lover
my Father, my stronghold.
The only reason why I breathe this dirty, worldly air, because I know what's coming next.
My reason for being, my reason for writing and laughing.
I want him to be my crutch,
my superior.
I want Him to be the one that, when I see him at the end of the road, I run faster than my body can carry me, my soul runs ahead of me.
My Abba, my Addonai.
I want him to be the one to tell me "rest, I've got this," the one who keeps my heart at peace when everything else is falling apart.
I want him to be visible to me as he holds our shredded family.
I want him to be the light, the lighthouse, my source of energy.
Love. I want him to be the love in my life that can't help but pour itself onto other people.
I want him to be my Portion.
What I live on
What I breathe in
What I survive on
What I look for
What I strive for
What I yearn for
What I lay awake at night sleepless for
What I sacrifice my relationships for
What I sacrifice my dreams for
What I sacrifice my life for.
I want Him... to be my Portion.

God. Be my portion.

Come see...

So I'm in Illinois....*smiles and heart warms up a tad*

And I have got so much to be thankful for. But first things first, as always, let me tell you something that God has shown me. Once again, he never ceases to amaze me. It's so his hobby..."look what I can do"..."watch this". It makes me laugh, my dad is such a love:)

I have a very bad habit of not following Christ-like impulsiveness. Everyone who loves the Lord is impulsive as long as it goes according to what the Lord has told them. You hear the voice of God...and you move. Done. Impulsive. And sometimes when the He convicts me about something I should say or do, I spend a ridiculous amount of useless seconds saying "are you sure?...shouldn't we talk about this a little more so I know I heard you correctly?....can we wait and make sure this is the right move?....hello?" And the "hello?" comes when God has told me something and is then sitting in Heaven thinking "Let's go already!!!!! I'm not talking to you 'til you move!!!" Oh how I love him, I'm laughing as I write this because he cracks me up:)

Now that I've stalled, my 'Christ-like impulse' sat deeply questioned for a good week before I made my official decision to fly to Illinois. With everything that Nathan has been through, God really convicted me on some love that I would have to show towards him. And it doesn't involve running up and giving him a huge kiss followed by an enormous hug:) He asked me to agape. Agape love is profound concern for someone else and acting on that, regardless of how it makes them feel at the moment, or if they will even have anything to do with you after you've gotten through the storm. A simply terrifying command from the Lord that only scared me because I was focused on what I would lose instead of what I would gain. And after stepping back from an intimate relationship with my best friend the Lord was able to work in Nathan in some very significant ways. Yes Nathan was mad at first, yes he was frustrated, but it's God's grace that he eventually understood why I was "absent" from the group. So as I sat on the plane all the way here, I was worried. Is it too soon? Should I have waited like I said I was going to before I knew how he would come out of this? Does this need more prayer? Am I making a mistake Jesus? And it wasn't until I was sharing this thought process(to Nathan actually) that these words settled in my heart: "Come see....come see what I've done." It was almost as if I could feel the excitement pouring out of heaven while the Lord sits on his throne, "look at this!! Look at my child!!" And so I came, and I saw, and I'm blown away. I sat on my impulsiveness a little too long, but I'm blessed at what He has shown me since I've been here.

2 Chronicles 20 has some crucial commands from the Lord: "...Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's.'...You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you."

When He asks us to move, whether it's a slow move into a decision, or a Christ-like impulse, we had better obey no matter what the request. No matter what the cost.

Peace in Christ,

~Laramie

Oh my....

Oh my, oh. my. There has been so much going on and I can't even know where to begin.

But, I guess instead of giving the normal "in a nutshell" or "long story short", I'll just share with you some pieces of my heart.

Nathan is doing much better, thank you for the prayers that spread like a wildfire! Only by the grace of God is he doing as well as he is, nothing is impossible with our Everlasting. It's so amazing how much the Lord taught me from the other side of the country. Here I am worried sick, being a complete control freak and basketcase while Nathan struggles in the hospital. After about a week of that nonstop sick feeling in my stomach I finally got the message. In order for anything good to come out of something bad, we have to let go. Just let go. It doesn't matter if I'm stuck in traffic and now late to my destination, or living 2,000 miles from my best friend and I literally can't do anything to help him but to pray. God can't work in me if I don't let him. That's basically all it comes down to. And he's really beaten the heck out of my control issues, because it's not about down here:)

Philippians 4:7 is one of my favorite verses, "And the peace of God that transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." When God is finally "given" control and we learn to rest in him, there is a peace that no one can understand. Other versions of this verse say "the peace that surpasses all understanding", you can't understand it! You can't hold it, you can't touch it, you can't see it. You can be more spiritual than our friend Billy and not understand someone's peace in Christ. But that peace does not mean that everything is great and I feel no pain, it's that this experience is difficult, but I'm okay with it being difficult, and I'm living in the Will of the Lord.

Transcend: To pass beyond the limits of; To be greater than, as in intensity or power; surpass.

Guard: To protect from harm by or as if by watching over

Peace: a state of stillness, silence, or serenity

"And the state of serenity that passes beyond the limits of your understanding will protect and watch over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Yes! Sign me up:)

I feel like every time I finish a battle, whether it be in a relationship, at home, at work, something spiritual with a struggle, or with the Lord, something else always comes along. No breather, no intermission. But the Lord disciplines those he loves and I'm trying to take every trial as an outpour of God's love. Not a punishment, but a refinement.

So there's a piece, I hope it made sense. My little sis Megan turned sixteen yesterday, and I'm looking at her now like, "I was just sixteen, and I thought I was so grown up!" Let me tell you, I don't think that anymore, I'll never be "grown up".

Peace in Christ,

~Laramie

Wings like Eagles.

Oh Nathan. This is only day three of his journey and it feels like it's been a month. Probably because of the distance between us. And it makes me sick, not being able to be by his side. I can't say that I've not cried everyday because I have, I'm worried sick. Literally sick. But, God is good.

Every time I get off the phone with Mark, Nathan's dad, I feel like my insides are failing. I want to help him and I can't, I wouldn't be able to even if I was there. And God has been using this to teach me a dependence on Him that I will never be able to replace. Because even if I was there, Nathan wouldn't know. And even though I love him more than life, the two people he has there with him at every moment are the two people he needs the most right now. Mark and Julie are saints.

Lord, I lift up my brother in Christ. Heal his body Father for you make all things new. Renew his spirit once he is able to be emotional, calm his mind once he is able to think, and strengthen his body once he is able to move. O God, I beg you to breathe a passionate life into him again. Give his parents peace of mind and a rest they can only find in you. Bless them Father, be the peace that surpasses all understanding and guard their hearts. May you receive glory in all circumstance trying and joyful. Jesus I love you, and I pray that Nathan would not only be healed in body, but in spirit, heart, and mind.

My mom was telling me something a close pastor friend of ours had told her and my dad when I had a brain injury a few years ago. He said "She's in His hands now, he knows right where she's at." And that's where Nathan is, the strong hands of his Heavenly Father. His Savior King.

"But those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
Isaiah 40:31

I'm praying love.

~

Thankful

I don't think I've ever really expressed how blessed I am. Blessed in a specific circumstance. These past three years have been the most difficult and dark years that I've ever had to work through. But oh how they've come into the light:) And I am literally brought to my knees in joy and sincere thankfulness when I look back on the souls that have surrounded me, and are still keeping strong. My "balcony people" standing on the sidelines...no, not standing, running down the sidelines, by my side the entire time. Souls who have comforted me, shook me, squeezed me until my frustrations are gone, screamed at me, pushed me, read to me, listened to me cry the same thing over and over on the phone, adopted me, given me love that only comes from a family, souls that have gone far beyond out of their way to show me Christ. I've read messages from friends, close, close friends, writing me on September 7, 2008 with nothing else to say but "I love you, I'm praying for you, and I'm here." Those people, those loves, those precious, precious souls are still there. They are there and they are true. I've been so, so blessed, Dear Lord, more than words can even express. It's because of these people that I have been able to walk through the valley of the shadow of death and know that He is with me. I have nothing to my name, but I have people in my life that mean more to me than life itself. My only reason for this one today, is that I know where Jesus was in my life the whole time. The times when I thought for sure, he was letting me do this one on my own. Now, now I'm starting to see the vision of Jesus holding my hand. When I thought he wasn't there, he was oh so very present the entire time. Through those beloved friends, beloved souls. He was holding my hand, as they were physically...holding my hands. unconditionally.

Unconditional- not limited by conditions; absolute

Friend- a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

Job 16:20 "My intercessor is my friend
as my eyes pour out tears to God"

~Laramie

Not Earthly Things

I'm so full!!!!!!! Holy cow, and we have another thanksgiving tomorrow. This one with the entire Peets side of the family, which, on just an Aunt and Uncle, first cousin basis consists of about 30-40 people. Food.

But, I made a list today of the things I'm thankful for. And I felt a little cliche, because it feels like "What are you thankful for?" is taken so lightly these days. It's more of a tradition than something to really take seriously. Anyway, I started writing, and God has blessed me above and beyond....but they are not earthly things He has blessed me with. And when it comes down to having to live in a mild "survival mode" the things that you become thankful for end up being the irreplaceables....my family, the people in Illinois that I love and have loved me like family, Nathan who loves the Lord more than anything, my relationship with his family, my counselors, the Compass Church and everything that body of Christ has done for me, my closest friends who have remained honest, loving, and dedicated, and the list goes on.

God has been so good to me. He has taken me through some valleys I thought I'd never see, but those valleys have created in me a strength and a love for the Lord that couldn't have been acquired any other way.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.'"

~Lar