20 Minutes of Thanks

So this is actually a "Thanksgiving Assignment" for our Worship Sectional, which is just 20 minutes of straight up thanks to the Lord; everyday that we are off this week. No intercession, no asking for things, no small talk, "go thank the Lord". It doesn't sound easy, it doesn't look easy, it doesn't feel easy. Until you do it.

Day two and I have to share. Because I can't even begin to explain the conversations that happen with the Lord when you go into prayer literally focused on Him. Guilty as charged, I am usually in prayer for me, or for someone else. Self.Ish. So, instead of trying to go back into the moment, this is my journal entry that immediately followed my conference call with the Most High. Cuh.Razy...

"This time was different than last night. I was brought to tears when the Lord caught me on something I had never wholly thanked Him for: taking care of me. He has always taken care of me. I remembered one conversation I had had with my mom and her response, in tears, was this: “He is taking care of you.” He brought this thought back to mind and I couldn’t help but cry.

“Thank you for taking care of me, thank you for taking care of me.”

Again, this prayer time went by much faster than it felt. I can literally feel my spirit enter into conversation with the Lord, as well as my mind go into worship. It’s like I’m aware of what’s around me, but I’m in another place inside. The Spirit feels heavy and I can feel that I am talking to the Lord. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced; and to think, all I’m doing is thanking Him. But I never thank Him. I thank Him when I feel like I have something to be thankful for, but never when I know I have everything to be thankful for. It’s amazing what happens when we just sit and adore the Lord with thanksgiving. And I sit and listen in silence for what He wants me to be thankful for, that’s a journey in and of itself. Things you didn’t even know made a difference in your life, or were worth recalling, are the things He thinks are most precious."

There is definitely something to be learned in selfless prayer. It might be the part where we define "selfless" and let God do the talking. I always think of Elijah on the mountaintop waiting to hear from God. And the voice of the Lord comes in a whisper. How intricate, that voice of the Lord. When we go before Him ready to listen, we leave with more than we came with.

~Laramie

This is what it looks like

So this morning I was up way before I wanted to be. A good friend of mine and I go walking in the mornings at 6am across the river. It's usually so hard to get out of bed, but after I get going with walking and talking I'm fine; and I end up preferring to be up at this early hour. This morning we didn't go, but I was up and ready. And as I opened the door to walk out onto the balcony the street lights revealed a heavy fog that was just sitting.

I can see through it, but not well:) And as I sit here on my couch with the curtains open, it's still slightly dark outside, but the fog is amazing. I'm a huge fan of snow, rain and fog to begin with, but this was just an amazing treat this morning. I almost missed it and had I been able to fall back asleep I would have.
I'm sitting here on the couch, coffee in hand and I turn on Pandora Radio. Type in Kim Walker and guess what plays? What always plays, of course, her live rendition of How He Loves. I wasn't expecting this song and wasn't affected by it until I thought once again about the fog. How He loves......fog......it's seriously drenched outside right now with fog. It's everywhere and it's thick. It's tangible and it's beautiful. Sometimes it's so heavy you can't help but be blind to everything else. And what a huge message from the Lord that I almost missed. Really, all this morning as I sit and look out the window I can see and feel how His love is abounding, tangible, thick, beautiful. And if we aren't paying attention, we can see it and still miss it completely. As soon as I thought about what my apartment was covered with, God was saying "This is it, this is what it looks like. This is what you have and this is what you keep. This is who I Am and this is what I am. This is why you're here and this is what you're meant for."

And now look at this scripture: "I have swept away your offenses like a cloud,
your sins like the morning mist.
Return to me,
for I have redeemed you.”
Isaiah 44:22

Another reason why our God is so great- His love as heavy and thick as fog, completely obliterates my sin that's like the morning mist. As I read the verse, Kim Walker sings "I belong to you..." It's true. I do.

The fog isn't lifting, but I think maybe this morning, for right now, it's not supposed to:)

"For I have redeemed you..."

~Laramie

Locusts

Last Sunday I was blessed to be able to be a part of a worship team leading for a church that has gone through some huge valleys. In the message that followed our worship, the pastor pulled a scripture out of Joel. And I was listening, I promise. But it wasn't until he repeated one phrase over and over did it resonate:

Joel 2:25, "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten..."

Looking at my own heart and how calloused and distracted it is, I understand why this flew over my head the first time. But as soon as I heard, really heard what the verse was saying, I broke inside. Because no matter what I face, no matter how long it takes me to climb out of these valleys, no matter who comes out on the other side with me or not, I know-- that He will "repay for the years the locusts have eaten."

I have a lot to dig through. There are things that have been coming up that I didn't know where down there in my soul, and I know there is more. I think that I'm starting to desire to chip away at these things with God. And right now, my hope hangs on the fact that I'm being obedient, and it will be repaid. I know that I know that I know, that it's not in vain. He keeps bringing me through and remaining true in what He promises- it's me that can't be faithful all the time. This verse puts all of the emotion and hope into one phrase. And I know that once we are on the other side, where moth and rust can't destroy, all these years will be repaid- and I'll understand.

~Laramie

Oh winter, you finally came:)

It's finally chilly! Like, FREEZING. Almost freezing, not quite. But cold enough to where I feel at home. A couple of friends and I took a trip up to Chicago over our fall break. Holy smokes, I miss that place.

I definitely have a problem organizing my time. It's most likely a combination of my chaotic schedule and temporary insanity that seems to hog my brain cells every once in a while. But, in the midst of it all, the Lord is in the middle of opening all my closets. Which stinks, I hate closets.

The other day in Old Testament we were going through some Psalms and Proverbs that had special meaning to us. I love Psalm 34 and the honesty and hope that it brings to the forefront. Here's my favorite part....:)
The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

I have a lot of baggage right now, a lot to sort through. And I'm so bad at it, I really am. But these verses give me peace. I may not be able to trust the Lord with everything all the time, a fault of my own; but there is comfort in knowing that He is close....and He is saving my crushed spirit.

Close: near, or near together.

Saves: to keep safe, intact, or unhurt; safeguard; preserve

My God is near, keeping me safe and unhurt. That's my King.

~Laramie

To be honest.

So the semester has officially started, *happy dance*....and I'm on the brink of being totally and completely broken by the Lord, I can totally feel it coming. It's like I'm staring off into the distance, looking at the future and I can see the change down the road--coming soon to a control freak near you.

First things first, look at these shoes....

Source: francescascollections.com via Laramie on Pinterest

...right?

Okay, anyways...
This will be the third week of our regular semester. Holy smokes. I--really--just realized how quickly it's gone by. I'm not overwhelmed in the study section of my brain yet, but in the heart category I'd say I'm ready to give up before I start. I'm sitting on the couch putting in my answers for my reading of Heart of the Artist. Yes, it is ironic that we are reading this book- for anyone who walked with me during the past five years of my life, it's very interesting how much I'm learning about both sides of the "ministry" spectrum! My heart is constantly going back and forth, because I'm learning how to handle something and grow into things, but at the same time I already know how it feels when things are not taken care of in the Godly way. And that's okay! Because it's seriously resonating and settling. And I get it.

All that to say, I felt like this afternoon (while I'm trying to finish the Heart of the Artist) that God was asking me to be honest. I wasn't sure what that meant at first, but after reading through the chapter of that book I went on a rabbit trail in my brain, and thought I'd share something that I found in the depths of my heart.
Trophy: (in ancient Greece or Rome) the weapons and other spoils of a defeated army set up as a memorial of victory.
• a representation of such a memorial; an ornamental group of symbolic objects arranged for display.

Burden: a duty or misfortune that causes hardship, anxiety, or grief; a nuisance:

Truth: I tend to hold my burdens as trophies. This makes everything difficult in the realm of growth and progress as a child of God. My biggest struggle, as is anyone's, over everything else is letting my burdens go. I am much more comfortable living uncomfortably. And I'd venture to say that it's because being uncomfortable is all I've known for quite a long time. But here is the thing that makes me sick (yes, I make myself sick): I don't let struggles go because I hold them as trophies. I let them define me and I make them be what represents my life. Totally disgusting. I remember when my dad was suddenly no longer a worship pastor and the experience of that is still in the business of affecting me. But one Godly woman, whom I love very much, wrote me and said "this will NOT define you." But I let it. It didn't define me to everyone else, but in my own view of myself and others, I was defined by that experience. Really gross situation to come out of and I let it rule my life. And honestly, I wanted it to. It's almost like I find a security blanket in controlling my struggles. I can put them where I want and lean on them when I need to. Wrong. Very wrong. But very much in recovery. I know that when things seem to be going well it feels weird and I tend to want to sabotage myself so that I can be "comfortable" again. There's always something wrong, so let's keep it that way, right? Right Laramie, because Christ sacrificed so that you could keep crucifying yourself for selfish reasons. No.

This year is going to be so huge. I know in my heart that things will be vomited out from my core that maybe I've never even seen before, that's okay. I will cry, that's okay. And I will want to give up, that's okay too. Bring it on.

2 Thessalonians 3:5 "May the Lord direct your hearts into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance." This means we don't run back to what we just persevered through. Very true, and very hard.

This onion definitely has many more layers to peel:)

~Laramie

Grace like rain...

Well....I'm here:) Memphis, Memphis, Memphis. I'm pretty much moved in and ready to go. There seems to be a ton of grocery needs, however, that just creep in and my lovely mother and I keep running to the store. She will be here until Tuesday, what a trooper. She made the trek with me, let me cry and freak out a couple times, and is now currently in the parent meeting that she really doesn't need to go to, but she wants to know everything. Really cute.

For some reason when I was packing I had the notion in my head that whatever I don't bring will be things I can just buy for cheap when I get here. BUT. But, but, but, hello Laramie there are things you should still bring because they are yours and you don't need to buy them again!!!!!! I'm such a weirdo. As I'm shopping with my mom all of these simple items keep popping up in my head. I probably complained to her at least eight times "where was I when I was packing! Why didn't I bring that!??" It's cool. Just coffee mugs, kitchen things, home-y goods that I forgot to include in the "you are permanently moving out of your home" thought process. But other than that, I didn't forget underwear or a toothbrush....

God is so present in this school, let me just say that. I know nothing about what I will be studying, meaning I'm not a music person nor have I been in charge of a ministry or led it. But that's okay. God has called me here, everything is falling into place in HIS timing (not mine, mine would have been done already:). I'm beyond excited. My roommate is the sweetest thing, and, get this...she plays guitar. Meaning I have a slight chance of learning a tiny bit while I'm here. Back to the list of things I didn't bring: guitar. Huge Fail.

My mom bought me this tin sign that I can hang up in our cozy little dorm, it happens to have my favorite verse on it:) She knew:)

Now to shop for a rug to reduce the gorgeous echo in here:)

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you....."

He keeps providing. He's always providing.


~Laramie

Neverending

So I've been worrying a bit about how to go about all my financial aid for school, loans, blah blah blah. The deadline for scholarships was June 30th and I applied for as many as I could, but not expecting anything at all. Really this whole journey with school has been placed into God's hands every day. Because everyday I think about it; everyday I stress about it; and everyday I waltz into the nervous and anxious feelings that come with moving out and moving in. Out of comfort and into uncomfortable. Good thing it won't always be like that:)

I emailed my admissions counselor today--to kind of find out how much longer I should wait before completing any loans, and paying the first payment that's due the 15th of this month. I don't worry with money usually, because the Lord has always provided for me in one way or another.

But as the date got closer I just started to wonder if I should wait for an answer on scholarships or just go and take out the loans. My counselor said she would check with financial aid and get back to me. Not 30 minutes later she emails again.

I got a scholarship.

It doesn't even matter what amount it is. It's what I needed. He always provides what I need. So I immediately call my mom. Squeals and laughing occur. We hang up, everyone is excited.

Then she calls back. And it takes her about 7 seconds to start crying. She explains how after we hung up the first time she was thanking the Lord and said this: "He's providing for you Laramie."

He so is. And that's how I know that I'm doing what he wants me to do, because He is providing for me. Taking care of me like a father takes care of his child. It's a little bit of a "duh factor" scenario, but it made me understand. It's like the Lord uses the "kill them with kindness" approach and served me a slice of humble pie that just broke my heart. It didn't break in a bad way, but it just hit my heart like..."that's what it feels like"...to be taken care of, because you are loved. He is looking out for me, leading me, protecting me.

It's so amazing how, when we want what God wants, our heart changes. And when our heart changes, we begin to do what God intended for us to do. And then, when we do what He intended for us to do, He provides for every need that we come across :)

~Laramie